Love cuts deep
by mistopher
Summary: Abby is dealing with the horible thoughts in her head and dealing with them in a self desrtuctive way not a alcoholic abby story.
1. Default Chapter

Ch 1 Abby sat on the top corner of her bed and cried. She hated crying she hated everything about it. The way your eyes get puffy and your nose gets stuffed up. She hated all of it. She believed crying made you weak. Even if everyone says it's good to cry Abby didn't believe it. She was so used to hiding her emotions that on nights like this when she did break down she hated herself even more then usual.  
  
' God Abby you are such a loser.' she told herself 'you don't deserve to cry stop it now. I don't care if you had a bad day; I don't care if everyone's mad at you. You deserve it.' Abby continued berating herself until she forced herself to stop crying. She thought about all the times when she was little that she forced herself to not cry, times when there was hardly any food in the house and little Eric was hungry when she fed him and went hungry herself. All the times Maggie would lock herself in her room for weeks at a time and she would have to be in charge of Eric. She remembered several times when Maggie begged her to stay home from school because she didn't want to be alone.  
  
'God you really are a loser Abby you were the one who raised Eric. Look how he turned out. You couldn't protect him from her and now he's as bad as Maggie is. You haven't done anything right your whole life. You couldn't keep your marriage together you couldn't even keep your baby you didn't even try to have your baby you don't deserve anything.' Abby got out of bed and crawled down to the hardwood floor in from of her bedroom window. It was freezing near the window but Abby didn't care. She hated herself. God she was upset over a few stupid arguments at work shed dealt with BI polar disorder, not having a mother, raising her brother, alcoholism, and a failed marriage but a few arguments at work could make her cry.  
  
'God you are so dumb Abby thought as she sat on the freezing floor. She liked the feeling of the cold on her legs she started shaking from the cold. 'Who cares if you're cold Abby you don't deserve to be warm you're a horrible person and you should be cold.'  
  
Abby looked out the window and watched the snow fall slowly outside. She thought about how beautiful it was even the worst pats of Chicago looked pretty in the snow. She wished she could just go outside and let the snow cover her maybe the snow could cover all the ugliness in her. 'Yea right come on Abby there's no way you could get rid of your ugliness you know that why are you trying to fool yourself?'  
  
Just then her phone rang she stood to answer it but she couldn't move her feet she didn't want to answer it she was afraid whoever was on the line might be able to tell she'd been crying and she didn't want to answer any questions right now.  
  
Abby heard the answering machine pick up. "Abby? Abby it's john are you there? Ok well you must be sleeping I was just getting off I wanted to say goodnight sleep well I'll see you tomorrow I love you."  
  
Abby heard the machine click of and had to fight back the tears again. 'God you're such a jerk' Abby thought. 'Carter just wanted to say goodnight and you cant even answer the phone. Maybe if you push him away enough he will stop loving you. I mean god I don't know why he loves you now all you do is push him away.' she told herself.  
  
" I know I love him," Abby thought.  
  
'So who cares if you love him? You don't deserve to love him. I can't wait till he finds out your little secret he won't love you then and he will find out Carter's not like the others he loves you he cares about you he's gonna find out and when that happens it will be your fault he gets hurt. You're a freak and when he finds that out he will leave you in a second. But who cares that will be good because it will hurt you, and hurt is the only thing you should feel. Your so selfish being with him he deserves better then you and you know it.'  
  
"Stop it stop it!" she told herself. She sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the phone. 


	2. love cuts deep2

"You should call Carter" she told herself.  
  
'What?!! No you shouldn't he already thinks your sleeping you can't call him what would you say? You know you can't tell him what you're going to do.'  
  
"I'm not going to do it this time!" she argued back.  
  
'Yes you are you can't help it you need it you can't breathe without it.'  
  
" I can't do it." Abby argued "I have to stop I haven't done it in a month."  
  
'That's why you're going to do it now.' she argued back.  
  
Abby knew she couldn't stop the thoughts in her head she never could it took time but they always won. Abby reached into her nightstand drawer and pulled out her razor. As soon as she felt the steel on her fingertips she knew what she would do. It was a losing battle she could never win she always promised her next time she felt like doing this she would call someone but she never could. No one knew and she knew that it would scare them she couldn't do that to them. Most of her friends were doctors for god sake she wouldn't be able to make up excuses with them later.  
  
'Abby do it! You'll feel so much better.' She knew she was right she had to give in. She took the blade and sliced across her wrist. It hurt so badly but it felt so good. Every time she cut herself she contemplated suicide but she could never bring herself to do it. She told herself she had to be there in case Eric or Maggie needed her again and now there was Carter. She couldn't do that to Carter she couldn't hurt him like that he was so sweet so innocent she didn't want to be the one to ruin that so she always cut herself just enough to hurt, just enough to fell the blood run down her arm.  
  
Sometimes one cut was enough and sometimes she had to cut over and over to get the voices out and tonight was one of those nights. She cut her wrist four times there was blood all over her arm. The cuts weren't enough to do any harm but they were enough to hurt enough to sting. Abby loved that feeling it gave her an amazing high. Abby knew she couldn't hide more then four cuts on her arm this was like an art to her she had the whole process so well tuned. She moved to her ankle she knew she shouldn't she should stop now but it had been so long and she needed this. She hesitated but she had to do it. '  
  
'Who cares if Carter sees them? Then he'll know the truth he'll see how messed up you really are and he'll leave, that's what he should do anyway.'  
  
Abby blocked out all thought and cut she cut 5 times before stopping she didn't even remember making the last 4. She felt the blood run down her ankle she felt the stinging pain and smiled. She felt so relaxed now. She couldn't remember why she has waited a month to do this again. Abby grabbed the tissues of the nightstand and wiped away the blood she was exhausted and she rolled over and went to sleep no longer hearing the awful voices in her head. 


	3. love cuts deep3

Ch3  
  
Abby woke up to the sound of her alarm going off. She rolled over to hit the snooze button and felt he stinging pain in her hand. "I love that feeling." Abby thought "I'm so worthless and that's the perfect reminder of that. Abby got out of bed and into the shower as she let the hot water run over her the guilt started to set in. It always came, sometimes right after cutting sometimes the next day but it always came.  
  
"I can't believe I did it again!" Abby thought as she got mad at herself. " A whole month" she told herself "You went a whole month and now you've screwed it up all over again."  
  
Abby stepped out of the shower and tried to focus on getting dressed. She said each thing she needed to do out loud so as to keep herself distracted from the horrible voices on the inside. Abby was starving but she wouldn't let herself eat. 'Why should you eat? You deserve to be hungry your fat enough just go to work.' Abby decided against eating anything and headed out to work.  
  
Abby walked into the lounge to see Carter taking off his jacket and shaking the snow out of his hair. "Morning Abby." john's eyes lit up when he saw her. "Hey Carter." Abby replied feeling instantly guilty for ignoring his phone call the night before. "Did you get my message?" Carter asked helping her take off her jacket. "Oh yea I got it this morning." Abby lied. I went to bed early last night and I turned off the ringer so it wouldn't wake me." Abby was used to lying like this the small white lies that nobody ever caught on to. She'd been doing it her entire life. To her teachers when they asked how her mother was, Eric when he asked questions about Maggie's condition. White lies just came naturally to her. "Well it must have helped" Carter said, "You look beautiful this morning." Abby blushed and looked down. Carter leaned down to kiss her and Abby deepened the kiss and it quickly became more passionate. They had to pull away to catch their breath. "Abby" Carter sighed contentedly wrapping his arms around her and putting his chin on her head. Abby loved moments like these. She felt so safe in Carter's arms none of the voices could get her there all she felt was peace. She closed her eyes and let out a deep sigh. They stood like that for several long moments Abby wasn't going to be the first to let go she didn't have the strength. A few minutes later Carter slowly pulled away from Abby. "Hey we're gonna be late he whispered. " I know Abby replied and reached up to kiss him once more. "You're coming over tonight right?" Abby asked him when they parted. "You bet I am Carter grinned at her before leaving the lounge. Abby smiled to herself Carter really was a godsend. Abby could feel the doubt of the other voices but right now she refused to listen to them.  
  
Eight hours later she was in a decidedly less good mood. There had been trauma after trauma, screaming kids and even a drunk. The drunk had really gotten to her they always did but usually she could hide it. Today she could only see her failure mirrored in his eyes. It had been a long time since her last drink but the cutting that was an addiction too. She just wanted to go home and forget. "Are you ready?" Carter asked coming up behind her at the desk. "Oh uh yea." Abby said trying to come out of her trance. She wished Carter wasn't coming over now she just wanted to go home and be miserable. But Carter looked so excited and happy she just couldn't tell him not to. She went to get her stuff from the lounge. 


	4. love cuts deep4

Ch4  
  
Abby was arguing with herself again as they rode the EL home. 'You should have told him not to come.' She told herself 'You should have gone home alone and been miserable. You know you aren't happy and now you have to pretend you are or he will ask you questions. But then again why should you have to pretend? Why don't you just tell him the truth he's gonna find out eventually anyway and he's gonna leave then. Just tell him now let him go your being selfish, you're a freak you don't deserve his love he's perfect your just going to ruin him who are you kidding?'  
  
"Abby? Abby are you OK?" Carter asked her.  
  
"Yea why?" she lied.  
  
'There's another lie. You're pathetic. You say you love this guy but all you do is lie to him.'  
  
"You just seem really quiet." He said.  
  
"I guess it was just a really long day." Abby told him shaking off the voices. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him closer. He was so strong so protective. In his arms Abby felt safe from everything.  
  
Carter stood behind Abby as she unlocked the door. "How does pizza sound?" he asked.  
  
"Fine." She answered she was starving she hadn't eaten all day. She still didn't want to eat but she knew if she didn't Carter would worry.  
  
Carter called the pizza place while she changed into her pajamas. Carter hung up as she came out of the bedroom in her flannel pj's . "Those are my favorite pajamas." He told her.  
  
"Really these?" Abby asked surprised. "Yea they are to big on you, you look so cute in them he told her. He walked over to her and kissed her on the nose. Abby smiled at him he had the best eyes in the world. Every time he looked at her she could drown in those eyes Abby looked at him and felt like crying. He was so perfect. She wrapped her arms around him and laid her head on his shoulder so he couldn't see the tears forming. Carter moved her to the couch and just held on to her. Abby realized that without words Carter has understood what Abby needed. It made her feel even worse for giving in last night.  
  
'Of course he's here now she told herself but if he knew about last night he wouldn't be here. He would leave. You're a freak no one could love you if they knew the truth. Abby squeezed her eyes shut and concentrated on Carter's heartbeat. It was so steady so strong so comforting. They sat like that in silence until there was a knock at the door.  
  
Carter detangled himself from Abby and paid for the pizza. He brought it in and sat it on the table then he went in the bedroom. He came out a few minutes later in his pajamas Abby laughed to herself.  
  
What's so funny?" Carter asked when he saw the grin on Abby's face.  
  
"You. It's just funny that you waited till the pizza got here to change.  
  
"Well did you want me to answer the door in my pj's ?" he asked.  
  
"What does it matter?"  
  
"It just does." He told her reaching for a slice of pizza.  
  
Abby ate her own piece while she watched him eat his. She loved watching him she could do it for hours and never get bored. He was perfect, completely perfect.  
  
"What?" Carter asked noticing her staring at him.  
  
"Nothing." Abby said and smiled mischievously finishing off her slice of pizza.  
  
Carter looked at her and got serious, He took her hand and pulled her closer to him "You are so beautiful" he said. Abby instinctively looked down "Abby look at me." He said,  
  
Abby swallowed hard and looked at him. She had never gotten used to Carter saying such things. She didn't believe them and it was hard for her not to argue that she wasn't but she had learned that Carter wouldn't let her win if he thought she was beautiful that was that and she wasn't allowed to disagree.  
  
Carter held her close and ran his hand through her hair. "I love you so much Abby Lockhart."  
  
Abby couldn't move she couldn't breathe she felt Carter's words clear to her toes. Abby had never told him that she loved him. She knew she did and she was pretty sure he knew she did too but she wasn't ready to say it instead she put her arms around him and kissed him.  
  
They stood there for what seemed like forever before Carter leaned down and lifted her off her feet. Abby was breathless. Carter carried her to the bedroom and they finished what they started. Abby made sure it was in the dark. 


	5. love cuts deep5

Ch5  
  
Abby woke up before Carter did the next morning. Well afternoon she noticed as she read the clock 11am. Abby was glad her and Carter both had the day off. She wasn't glad that they were both working that night but she'd think about that later.  
  
Abby rolled over on her side to watch Carter sleep.  
  
" See Abby you can do this you can stop cutting. John loves you and you love him see how good you feel right now? You can quit and he will never have to know the scars will fade." The next time you want to do it you can call someone for help and you can move on. Abby smiled to herself as she watched Carter wake up. He was so cute with his hair all messed up. "Morning" Carter smiled  
  
"Morning" Abby smiled back and ran her hands through John's hair he looked like such a little boy. She had such a strong urge to take care of him.  
  
'Yea like you took care of Maggie and Eric. Look how they turned out.' Abby winced at her own harsh thoughts and Carter saw the look of pain that crossed her face.  
  
"Hey what is it?" Carter asked.  
  
"Nothing" she said forcing a smile her good mood effectively ruined.  
  
Carter knew she was lying. He knew she was battling something inside of her but all he could do was pull her closer to him and show her he loved her.  
  
Abby snuggled closer to him and closed her eyes hating herself and all the evil voices.  
  
They lay there like that until Abby heard Carter's stomach growl. They both laughed a little. " I think your hungry Abby teased.  
  
"Starving actually." Carter replied.  
  
"Well I don't have much but I think there's some cereal and you can finish the milk."  
  
"What are you gonna eat?' Carter asked.  
  
" I just want toast." Abby said.  
  
Together they ate breakfast in silence then Abby got in the shower.  
  
"Hey can I join you?" Carter asked walking into the bathroom.  
  
"Um actually I'm almost done." Abby said keeping the fright out of her voice. She had learned to do that well too. She had to for Eric's sake. There were so many times when Maggie would leave them. Abby would wake up and find her mother missing and little Eric would be so afraid. Abby would always hide her fear and tell him everything would be OK. She'd gotten good at it.  
  
Abby was done but she was waiting for Carter to leave the bathroom she couldn't get out until he did or he would see her cuts. "Carter?"  
  
"Yea?"  
  
"Could you bring the paper in? If it stays out there my neighbor will steal it if he already hasn't." Abby said her paper never got stolen but she needed to get him out of the bathroom.  
  
'You and Carter are never gonna last all you do is lie to him.' Abby got out of the shower and got dressed as fast as possible.  
  
"Finally!" Carter said sarcastically as he returned to the bathroom.  
  
"Abby half smiled at him and left the room.  
  
"The papers on the table." Carter called after her. 


	6. love cuts deep6

Ch 6  
  
As Carter stood in the shower he thought about Abby. She was so perfect so beautiful. Carter marveled at the fact that they were together at all they had been through so much together. Carter loved her with everything he had. He knew she loved him too. She may have never said it and people could argue that she should have by now but it never bothered Carter. He knew Abby had been hurt in her life. Things had happened to her that he couldn't even imagine things that no child should ever have to face. Carter knew she was hurt. He knew she was still hurting. He could see it in her eyes and every once in a while she would get this far off look or a moment of pain would cross her face and he would be reminded of the pain and sorrow she'd been through in her life. Carter wished he could take it all away. Sometimes he just held he in silence for long periods of time trying to sooth away the hurt. There were other times when she would completely shut him out her eyes would glaze over and she would get suck inside herself for days, sometimes weeks at a time. Those times were the worst because he couldn't reach her. He could see her suffering her eyes were so easy to read. Abby could cover her feelings so well. So well that it sometimes scared Carter the way she seemed to stop feeling but it was always in her eyes they never lied. He hated seeing the look of pain that crossed Abby's face earlier that morning. He hated even more not knowing what caused it. Sometimes he felt like chasing Maggie down and choking her for the things she put Abby through. No child should have to go through those things. But Carter couldn't blame Maggie she had a disease and she couldn't control it. Carter was still thinking about Abby when the water started to run cold.  
  
Abby was sitting on the couch wrapped in a blanket staring at the TV when Carter found her. The voices were winning again. Abby looked up at Carter and sighed he was so gorgeous.  
  
"What's wrong?" Carter asked for what seemed like to Abby the millionth time.  
  
"Nothing, I know we were supposed to go shopping today but do you care if I don't go?" Abby asked not looking at him. Part of her wanted him to go without her so she could be alone but the other half of her wanted him to stay. She just wanted to spend the day on the couch holding him.  
  
"That's fine. I only need a few things it should only take me an hour or so. Are you sure you don't want to come?"  
  
"Yea I'm sure I just don't feel like going out today."  
  
"Ok well I'll be home soon." He said as he kissed her goodbye and left.  
  
Abby had been sitting on the couch for almost forty-five minutes. She wasn't even watching the TV it was just on for noise. She felt horrible things had been so much better in the last month she even thought she was going to be able to stop cutting but in the last two days that all went downhill. She wasn't ready to face work tonight. Susan was probably still mad at her for the stupid argument they'd had the other day and she just didn't want to deal with it.  
  
'To bad Abby you have to deal with it you started the stupid argument you should have just kept your mouth shut but no you couldn't do that could you Susan probably hates you now good work.'  
  
Abby couldn't handle it anymore the voices were to loud. She didn't even attempt to argue back. She didn't even try to think she stood up and went her room, got her razor and went to the bathroom.  
  
'See you are a loser you can't even fight back your just gonna cut without even trying to fight. After a whole month of doing so well now in 2 days you throw it all away.' Abby looked at herself in the mirror. 'God you are so ugly I can't stand to even look at you. How does Carter look at you your so gross he's probably just with you because he feels sorry for you? Theirs no way he could ever really love you I mean look at you. Abby couldn't take it anymore the harsh words were too much she pressed the razor to her arm and cut through the wounds that were beginning to heal. It hurt like hell it always hurt worse to open a healing scar then to make a new one but Abby didn't care. This was what she wanted, what she deserved. She sliced again and it took her breath away but it felt wonderful. This was freedom. The pain was so much it blocked out everything. There were no evil voices, no tortured thoughts just a cloud of fuzz. Everything felt blurry like when you first wake up and your eyes aren't focused. Abby loved the high it gave her it blocked out everything. Including the sound of Carter getting home and walking through the house. 


	7. love cuts deep7

Ch 7  
  
By the time Abby heard Carter it was to late he was already halfway through the bathroom door. Abby didn't even have time to stand up from the side of the tub where she was sitting she didn't have time to rinse the blood out of the tub he saw everything.  
  
"Abby! Oh my god Abby are you OK?" Carter asked running to her and kneeling in front of her. "What happened?" Carter asked. That was when he saw where the blood was coming from and the razor in Abby's hand.  
  
"Abby?" Carter asked questioningly leaning back to look at her not sure what he should do or say. "I'm sorry!" Abby cried dropping the razor in the tub. "I'm so sorry."  
  
Carter looked at Abby he was more scared then he had been in a really long time. He didn't know what to say he was a doctor and he didn't know what to say.  
  
Abby was terrified she wanted to scream, she wanted to disappear, and she was so embarrassed she couldn't breathe. She got up to run but John was faster. He grabbed her and pulled her to him. He held her so tight she could hardly breathe. He was terrified for her.  
  
"I didn't want to die I just wanted to hurt." Abby said not looking at him.  
  
"Carter sat her down and cleaned up her wounds. The whole time Abby wouldn't look at him. He knew what a cutter was he was a doctor after all, but he never thought he would have to deal with it on a personal level and it scared him to death.  
  
Abby felt Carter's arms around her before she could fight to get away. He was holding her. Abby couldn't believe it he didn't run and better yet he didn't let her run. She always ran. She didn't know how to deal with it any other way but now she couldn't run. He wouldn't let her.  
  
Abby was terrified she didn't know what to do so she cried.  
  
Carter sat on the bathroom floor and held her while she cried. She cried for everything, for Eric, for Maggie, for herself for everything that had ever hurt her. She cried. She held on to Carter never letting go. She cried for the little girl inside her who never got to. She cried until there was nothing left and Carter held her and cried too. He cried for Abby, for everything that has ever hurt her. He cried because he loved her and he had no idea how to help her. 


	8. love cuts deep8

Ch8 Abby cried until she fell asleep. Carter picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. He laid her on the bed and covered her with the blankets; then he took his shirt off and threw it away. It was covered with blood and he knew it was ruined. He cleaned up the bathroom and threw away the razor. He hated that razor. After he cleaned everything up he called county and called off work for him and Abby - he knew Kerry would be mad enough with one of them missing but she was gonna throw a fit when neither of them showed up. At the moment he didn't care. All he cared about was being there for Abby and taking care of her. He turned the ringer off on the phone and disconnected the answering machine. Kerry wouldn't get to them tonight. Carter knew that when Abby woke up they would have to talk about it and that scared him. He didn't have a clue what to say. Carter sat on the bed beside Abby but he never fell asleep - he couldn't, he was too worried about Abby. There were so many questions running through his mind. How long had she been doing this? Why hadn't she told him? Did Luka know? Why hadn't he noticed? He was a doctor after all. So many questions raced through his mind. He wanted to wake her up several times to ask her but he couldn't do it. She was too peaceful. He would have time for all that later, for now she could sleep. She slept for a long time while Carter held her. Around seven she started to stir. "John?" Abby asked. "I'm here." He answered kissing the top of her head. "I'm sorry" "It's ok." He answered her, rubbing her back. "It's ok." "I never wanted you to know." She told him never looking at him. "I don't want to hurt you." "Abby you didn't hurt me, I love you, I'm not going anywhere." When Abby heard his words she started crying again. "Oh Carter how can you love me? I'm a mess; I'm a bad person. I hurt everyone who gets close to me." "Abby shhhhh" Carter told her. "No you don't." "I don't deserve you Carter; you're too good for me. I'm going to ruin you." "Abby don't say that. I love you. I love you for who you are and we are going to get through this. I'm going to help you." Abby held on to him even tighter. She was terrified this was all a dream and when she really woke up he would be gone and she didn't think she could handle that. "Are you hungry?' Carter asked. "Yea" "Let me make you some soup. I'll be right back." While Carter was making her soup Abby got up and put her watch and bracelets on. She couldn't handle not having her cuts covered; it made her feel too vulnerable. Then she went to the living room to find Carter. He was in the kitchen leaning over the stove stirring the soup. Abby sat on the couch and turned on the TV. She didn't have the nerve to look Carter in the eyes. She was afraid of what she would find there: fear, anger, and guilt - all things Abby wasn't ready to see. Carter brought Abby the soup and sat it in front of her. She mumbled thank you and leaned forward to eat it. That's when Carter noticed she was wearing her watch and bracelets. The same ones she always wore, but now they made his stomach flip. Her scars were completely covered. It was as if nothing had happened. It scared Carter. He realized he had no idea how long she had been hurting herself. It could be years, he didn't know. The reality of that hit him like a ton of bricks. How could she keep something so painful, so difficult from everyone for so long? He felt so guilty now thinking of all the times that he'd seen her upset and he hadn't wanted to pry. Now he wished he had. Would it have made a difference? He wondered. Could he have saved her from this? He didn't know the answers but he was determined to find out. 


	9. love cuts deep9

Ch9  
  
"Why?" Carter asked.  
  
It was just one word but it shocked Abby. It scared her. She didn't know how to talk about it. She'd never told a single person about it, and now everything was happening so quickly. She didn't want to answer. She knew the answers were hard to explain and even harder to understand.  
  
"Abby please tell me." John said in a quiet, patient tone.  
  
Abby's hands started to shake and then her whole body. She was terrified.  
  
Carter noticed the change in her and wrapped his arms around her and pulled her back to lie against him while he waited for her answer.  
  
"It's just easier," she said.  
  
"What is?"  
  
"It's easier to.to do that then deal with my thoughts." Abby couldn't bring herself to say the words. She didn't think she would ever be able to speak them. "I can't deal with the emotional stuff so I make it physical. I can deal with that. It blocks everything else out - it makes it real."  
  
Abby was crying again. She hated it. She tried to stop but Carter noticed.  
  
"Abby it's OK to cry" he whispered. " You've been hurt so much for so long you need to get it out."  
  
Abby cried again. There was so much pain. Carter hated seeing her that way. It made him realize all over again how much she'd been through in her life and it made him feel guilty. He felt guilty for not noticing sooner. Guilty for not pushing her harder to find out what was really wrong. He felt like he had failed her for not being there more and that was an awful feeling. He wished so badly that he could take away everything that had ever hurt her. He wished he could physically roll it all up into a ball and throw it away.  
  
But he couldn't. All he could do was hold her and find a way to get through this. And that Carter knew was not going to be easy. "Does anyone else know? Luka, Richard, anyone?" He didn't know how long she'd been doing this and he needed to know. Maybe it was the wrong time to ask but he was a doctor and he couldn't help himself.  
  
"No. It wasn't so bad with Richard until the end and by then he was to busy cheating on me to notice." Abby said with sharp sarcasm that made Carter wince. Her words scared him - Abby had been with Richard years ago. How long had she been doing this?  
  
"It started shortly after the drinking." Abby said as if she could read his mind. "I hated everything. I hated Maggie for being sick, I hated my father for leaving, and most of all I hated me for becoming a drunk. I just hated. The first time it happened it was actually a suicide attempt but I couldn't go through with it. The pain made me feel better and after that it became a habit. No one ever knew. It never hurt any one and I could keep everything to myself. I could deal with it alone and it never hurt any one else. I kept it from Maggie, from Eric, from Richard, even from Luka."  
  
Abby's words stung Carter. They cut straight through his heart.  
  
"Years," Carter thought. "She's been alone with this for years." The thought made him feel sick. How could he have known her for so long and not see the signs? How could he be with her and not know? He had let her down and he hated himself for it.  
  
"I don't want you to know." Abby said her voice starting to shake as she realized the enormity of it all. "I hate that you know." She began to get angry - it was more out of fear but she couldn't stop herself. She tried to get out of his grasp but he wouldn't let her.  
  
"Carter stop it! Let me go!" Abby said, panic and fear building up inside her. "You aren't supposed to know!" Abby yelled at him, finally getting out of his arms. "I'm only hurting you, I'm selfish and I can't be with you."  
  
Abby hated what she was saying. She hated that she was pushing him away but the voices had been right. She'd seen the look of terror on his face when he found her. She had heard him cry when he'd held her and all of it was her fault. She was the one who did that to him. She had hurt him and she hated herself for it.  
  
Abby ran into her bedroom the only place in her tiny apartment where she could get away from Carter.  
  
"Carter sat on the couch for a few moments after she left. He felt stunned, shocked, hurt. There were a million words that would fit the way he felt at that moment. He didn't know what to do. At first he wanted to chase after her, but then he realized he should let her be alone for awhile. She was pretty frazzled and needed time to calm down.  
  
He stood up and began straightening up the room. It wasn't really messy but he needed something to do.  
  
Abby sat on the floor under the window in her room and hugged her knees to her chest. She half expected Carter to follow her but he didn't. She wanted him to more then anything. She wanted him to come in the room and wrap his arms around her and tell her he was glad he knew. She wanted him to tell her that it scared him but he could handle it because he loved her.  
  
'Look what you did Abby: you hurt and scared Carter, then you yelled at him. He's not coming in here, you're alone again. He's probably leaving right now.'  
  
Abby knew Carter wasn't leaving. Part of her wanted him to. The mean, horrible side of Abby that liked her to be miserable hoped he would just give up and leave. But the other side wanted him to stay. She realized this is what she'd always wanted: someone who would be there for her no matter what. It was what she'd always dreamed of but had been too afraid to hope for. She wondered if Carter really could be that person. He had found her darkest secret and he hadn't run. He had done the opposite. He had held her and let her cry. Abby wondered if maybe, just maybe, Carter was meant to save her. 


	10. love cuts deep10

h 10  
  
Carter finished washing the dishes and looked around the room. Everything was in place.  
  
Abby hadn't made a sound in the time that Carter had done the dishes and now he was worried. He knocked on the bedroom door but there was no answer.  
  
"Abby?" he said, getting worried.  
  
"What?" Abby finally answered from her place on the floor.  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
Abby had a feeling she was going to hear this question even more often now. She didn't answer him.  
  
Carter could barely see the outline of her sitting on the floor under her window on the far side of the bed. Carter closed the door and walked over to where she was sitting.  
  
"Abby," He said as he leaned down and touched her arm. It was freezing cold. "You're freezing" he said.  
  
"I don't care," Abby mumbled pulling her knees closer to her and further from Carter.  
  
"Yes you do," He told her gently.  
  
"You don't know what I think. You have no idea," she said coldly, refusing to look at him.  
  
'Look, now you got him involved now he's not going to just leave you alone like he should, he's gonna get hurt. You're not good enough for him to waste his time trying to save you. That's what he's doing: saving you. That's not love, that's pity, he just feels sorry for you.'  
  
Part of Abby was angry that Carter was there - she was angry that he didn't just run. This was just going to complicate her life so much more. She didn't want him to care; she didn't know how to deal with it. She didn't know what to say. Things were awkward now.  
  
"OK I'm sorry," Carter said. "Come on," he told her as he took her hand and pulled her to her feet.  
  
She didn't want to move, she wanted to stay there on the floor in the cold forever, but she knew as long as Carter was there he wouldn't let her.  
  
Abby held Carter's hand and walked into the living room.  
  
"Let's watch a movie, something funny."  
  
"Ok," Abby agreed, even though it was the last thing she wanted to do.  
  
Carter handed Abby the blanket that was lying on the back of the couch and she wrapped it around herself. Carter went over to look through Abby's movie collection.  
  
"I can't believe you own this," Carter said holding up the movie 'Dude where's my car?'  
  
Abby couldn't help but smile.  
  
"Come on Abby, this has to be one of the dumbest movies ever made."  
  
"Maybe," Abby agreed "But it's also one of the funniest."  
  
"Really? I haven't seen it."  
  
"Then you can't make fun of it," Abby pouted. "You have to watch it - put it in."  
  
Carter popped the movie in and joined Abby on the couch. She was still really cold so he pulled her closer to him to warm her.  
  
Abby watched the movie but her mind wasn't really on it. She was going through all the events of the last two days in her mind; she wasn't ready for Carter to know. She knew he would find out sooner or later, he was too attentive. He always seemed to know what she was thinking, sometimes before she did, so she knew somewhere down the line she would slip up, but she wasn't ready for it to be now.  
  
'Maybe Carter won't talk about it anymore, maybe he'll just forget it ever happened. I can be careful and he won't think of it.'  
  
'Yea right!' Abby thought. 'He won't ever get over this, you scared him to death today and he's not going to forget that anytime soon. He's not going to leave you alone either, he's going to watch you all the time. He's gonna treat you like this little kid who can't take care of herself. It's gonna be so much harder to do it now with him watching you.'  
  
Part of Abby was glad he would be watching her. Now that he was aware of the problem he'd be looking for scars so she wouldn't be able to do it as much. Maybe she could stop.  
  
The other half of Abby was mad, she didn't want to be watched like that. If she wanted to cut she didn't want to have to worry about Carter. This was something she could control when everything else was crazy - she could control it, how often, how deep, how many times. She didn't want that control taken away, it was all she had left.  
  
John watched Abby's face as the movie was playing, he could tell that she wasn't really paying any attention to the movie. He couldn't blame her; he wasn't really watching it either. He was thinking of all the things that had happened that day. He was also thinking of all the things that were gonna change now that he knew. He thought about moving in with her. Not just because of today, he'd been thinking about it for awhile now, but he wasn't sure what Abby would say. Now he was sure he wanted to. He spent a lot of time there anyway. He decided to wait until tomorrow to ask her, they had been through enough today. He put the thoughts in the back of his mind and concentrated on the movie. 


	11. love cuts deep11

CH 11  
  
After the movie they went to bed. Carter crawled in bed beside Abby and put his arms around her. She lay with her back against Carter's chest but she couldn't sleep. She lay there for a long, long time until Carter's breathing evened out and she knew he was asleep. She slowly crawled out of his arms and onto the floor under the window, her favorite spot to sit when she hated herself, which was a lot of the time. She sat there and thought about Carter. He was sleeping so sound that he didn't even know she wasn't lying beside him. Abby felt a twinge of guilt thinking about him - he'd be upset if he knew she was sitting on the cold floor on the middle of the night feeling sorry for herself. She couldn't sleep; she'd slept so much during the day after crying that now she couldn't. She knew she had to work the next afternoon and that she'd probably be exhausted but it was a welcome change. Carter wouldn't be on until midnight and she was off at eleven so she wouldn't have to see him at work She was glad for that, she wasn't ready to work with him yet she didn't want him to be all protective at work. The last thing she needed was for him to act different and make other people ask questions.  
  
Abby sat on the floor for a couple more hours until the cold was too much to bear finally she crawled back into bed.  
  
Abby woke up early the next morning even though she'd hardly slept the night before. She got up and went to the kitchen to make coffee. When the coffee was made she sat at the kitchen table with her mug and thought about how, for the first time in a long time, she was looking forward to work. She just needed to get away from Carter. She felt like she was being suffocated, like he watched her every move as though she was going to shatter into a million pieces at any moment. Granted, she did feel like that at times, but this was her life, she'd been doing this for a long time and she knew how to deal with it. She wasn't going to suddenly shatter. She was going to have a hard time getting out from under Carter's watchful eye and today she needed a break. She hated herself for everything she'd admitted to him the night before. It scared the crap out of her. She knew that Carter thought it would make her feel better to talk to him and get things out, but he didn't know about the guilt she felt for telling him. How she felt like a failure for breaking down in front of him. She hated that she opened up to him; it left her feeling vulnerable and afraid, both feelings she hated.  
  
'You should be afraid, you should feel guilty. All you're doing is burdening him with all these awful things. You're supposed to keep the burden not share it. All you're doing is hurting him' she told herself.  
  
She didn't want to face him today, she wished she could close her eyes and take yesterday away. She wanted to go back to being alone. Anything was better then this unbelievable feeling of overwhelming panic that washed over her every time she thought about what Carter now knew. Suddenly Abby's fear got the best of her. She didn't want to be there when Carter woke up, she couldn't face him right now. She sneaked back into her room and gathered her clothes together. She crept into the bathroom to change, then she wrote Carter a note telling him she had errands to run and then she was heading straight to work at three. She left the note on the kitchen table and left the apartment as quietly as she could. 


	12. love cuts deep12

CH 12  
  
Carter woke up and reached across the bed to pull Abby closer to him but she wasn't there. He sat up and rubbed his eyes to bring them into focus.  
  
"Abby?" Carter called. But there was no sound in the apartment except for the low drone of the refrigerator running in the kitchen. He got up and went to the kitchen, Abby wasn't there but he found her note.  
  
Carter sighed and ran his hands through his hair. He couldn't help but be worried about her. He had hoped to spend the morning with her; discuss moving in and make sure she was ok before she went into work. Now he wouldn't see her until late. He decided he would meet her when she got off, and they could eat something at Doc Magoos before his shift started at midnight.  
  
Abby strolled into a coffee shop across town. She'd wasted as much time as she could running errands and she still had a couple hours before her shift started. She didn't want to go home in case she ran into Carter. She ordered a double espresso and got a table way in the back.  
  
She sipped at her coffee and watched the people going by outside the window. Everyone seemed to be in a hurry. She thought about how she was one of those people. She was always rushing but never getting anywhere - as if she were running in place. She felt like everything was in fast forward all around her but she was standing still. Nothing ever changed. Everything was always hard, she always heard her horrible thoughts telling her she wasn't good enough. Telling her she didn't deserve any of the good things in her life. The horrible thoughts made her feel guilty when she felt good. It was like half the time she was trying to make herself feel better, and once she felt better she spent all her time telling herself she shouldn't feel good because she had no right.  
  
'Well why don't you just give up then. You're never gonna feel any different, it's always been this way. You will never be completely happy because you know, no matter how much you try to hide it or forget it, that you will never be worth any thing.'  
  
Abby hated that she had to constantly focus on not hurting herself. She hated the way the longer she stopped the harder it was to not do it. It was like an addiction but instead of getting easier to stay away from her "drug" it got harder. She felt like one of those plastic containers that you put in the microwave and when you forget to open the lid the pressure keeps building until you either open the lid a little or it just gets so much pressure it explodes. Her cutting was like opening that lid; it let out the pressure and the stress, it let her go on living without exploding.  
  
Abby thought about the time she had spent with Carter lately. She really did love him. He had helped her through so much. Even before they had dated he had been the best friend a girl could ask for.  
  
'When did I let him get so close to me?' Abby wondered. She never let anyone get close to her. Sure, she had been married to Richard but that had been more a marriage of convenience then anything else. Sure, she had cared about him a great deal in the beginning but it had soon become clear it wasn't love.  
  
'The worst thing about our marriage ending was that it ended my med. school payments,' Abby thought bitterly.  
  
Even Luka was never really close to her, she cared about him a lot and she always would. Luka had always treated her right. Sure, they had had their share of arguments and "I shouldn't have said that's" but she still cared for him. They had just never really clicked on an emotional level and they had both been content with that, or so she thought up until it was too late and Carter had all ready made himself at home inside her heart. Carter had always seemed to be able to read her thoughts. At first it was disconcerting to her but after awhile it became comforting.  
  
Abby thoughts drifted over all the times Carter had been there for her. When he went with her to rescue her mother from a hotel room halfway across the country. The way he was so worried about her when Brian had attacked her. The way he had understood when she slipped up and started drinking again. Now there was this. Carter was unfailing; he had done so much for her, she felt horrible for all the things she had put him through the last couple years.  
  
'I need to stop,' Abby thought. 'I really need to stop - if not for me, then for him. All I am doing is hurting him.' It was different now; she wasn't just hurting herself anymore, now Carter was involved.  
  
'He's been there for me through everything. What have I ever done for him?' Abby felt guilty. Part of her knew that turning him in for taking painkillers during a relapse, and being there for him then was something, but to her it seemed pale in comparison to the things he'd done for her.  
  
Abby sat at that table for as long as she could, thinking about her life and everything that had gotten her to where she was now.  
  
Abby got to county about the same time an ambulance did.  
  
"Abby, we're gonna need you on this one!" Kerry yelled at her as she walked through the doors.  
  
Abby threw her coat in the lounge and ran into trauma one.  
  
"GSW to the chest. I have a weak pulse, BP is 60 over 40."  
  
"I need two units O neg. 1 unit of saline on the rapid infuser," Luka barked the orders off to Abby.  
  
"There's blood everywhere," Kerry said.  
  
"BP's falling!" Chuny yelled.  
  
"OK, we have to crack him. Thoracotomy tray," Kerry said. "Luka, he needs to be intubated."  
  
"Alright, I need an intubation tray. Quickly!" Luka barked.  
  
"OK, I'm in"  
  
"Ten blade," Kerry called out and Abby handed it to her. She took the scalpel and cut a line down his chest.  
  
"Sternal saw," Kerry said after she finished the incision. She took the saw and cut open the patient's chest.  
  
"Rib spreader," Kerry opened the man's chest and a large amount of blood spilled onto the floor.  
  
"Woah, we have a pumper. I need suction now!"  
  
"The right side of his aorta is shredded. I can't do anything. Call it," Kerry told Luka.  
  
"Time of death 3:03pm."  
  
'Great', Abby thought. 'I've been at work three minutes and already someone has died.' She could already tell this was going to be a long shift.  
  
"Hey Abby," Lydia said as she walked up to the admit desk.  
  
"Hi," Abby said and put on a fake smile. She thought about how everything seemed fake to her now. It had been so long since anything had felt real. She felt like she was going through the motions of living but getting nowhere. It was like she was swimming underwater and there were people all around her but she couldn't hear what any of them were saying. She was sure that if not for Carter she would have drowned while all those people talked at her.*  
  
'At least I have him,' Abby thought.  
  
'Yea, until he gets sick of putting up with you. I mean, come on, how long do you really think he's gonna stick around? How many times can you push him away and expect him to keep coming back? He's human too and after awhile he'll give up. Just because he didn't leave yesterday doesn't mean he won't leave later when he gets sick of always having to rescue you.'  
  
"Abby can you give me a hand?" Susan asked, knocking her out of her thoughts.  
  
"Yea, what do you need?"  
  
"I got a five year old in curtain two. I have to do an LP to rule out meningitis but he's really scared. Can you help?"  
  
"Yea but couldn't you get."  
  
"They're all busy," Susan cut her off. "It will only take a minute."  
  
"Ok, lets go,' Abby sighed.  
  
Author's Note: * taken from an episode of FELICITY, don't sue me for plagiarism. LOL. 


	13. Love cuts deep13

CH 13  
  
'She'll be fine,' Carter was trying to convince himself while he ate. He had to go out to lunch because there was next to nothing at Abby's; he'd never really paid much attention to that before. He was over there a lot but they usually ordered in or ate something fast on the way to or from work. But now it bothered him. What did Abby do when he wasn't there? She didn't make enough money to eat out all the time. She wasn't losing any weight or looking too thin, but it was things like this that worried him now. He wondered how many other little things he never noticed. He knew he was being paranoid but he couldn't help it, he was worried about her. He'd been spending so much time trying to protect her from all the things that could hurt her that he didn't even see she was hurting herself. "More coffee?" The waitress asked him.  
  
"No thanks" Carter said startled, he hadn't even seen her walk up.  
  
He wanted to call Abby but she'd get mad if he called just to check up on her.  
  
'Calm down,' He told himself. 'You'll see her tonight, it's one day, she will be fine.'  
  
Carter finished eating and paid the bill. It was freezing cold even for February but he wanted to walk. He couldn't sit still; he was too nervous. He hated this constant feeling of panic, he wondered if it would ever pass or if he would ever get used to it. He didn't want to get used to it, he wanted it to stop. He wanted to be with Abby 24/7. He wanted to make sure she wasn't upset; he wanted to make sure no one gave her the hard cases at work, make sure no one was mean to her. He hated not being there all day to stop all the hurtful things from reaching Abby.  
  
Abby had about ten minutes left of her shift. She was finishing up her charts and thinking about how it hadn't been as bad a day as she thought it would be when she saw Carter walk in.  
  
"You're early," Abby told him, pushing any feelings of awkwardness away. She didn't want to be awkward at work.  
  
"Yea. I thought maybe we could grab something at Doc Magoos before I started and you went home. Besides; you have to eat something and you don't have much at your place. What do you say?"  
  
"Alright," Abby conceded. "Just give me a few minutes to finish charts OK?"  
  
"Yea. I'll be in the lounge.'  
  
A few minutes later they were sitting in a booth at Doc Magoos. The waitress brought them menus, but by now they had them memorized. They ordered cheeseburgers and fries and the waitress walked away.  
  
"So what did you do today?" Abby asked before he had a chance to ask about her.  
  
"Not a lot actually - I got up late, and then I went out to lunch. Do you know that you have next to nothing to eat in the house?"  
  
"Yea, I warned you yesterday, besides you should now that by now."  
  
"I know," Carter said feeling a sharp pang of guilt. "But we usually never eat at your house, we are always rushing into work or rushing home. We always eat out."  
  
"Yea I know," Abby said.  
  
"So how was work?" Carter inquired.  
  
"Well, at first I thought it was going to suck but it turned out to not be so bad. Weaver wasn't on until nine so that was a nice change. There were a couple MVA's and a GSW but just enough to keep it interesting; we weren't swamped or anything."  
  
"That's great," Carter said sarcastically. "That means my shift will probably be crazy."  
  
"Probably, but Susan's working a twelve hour shift so she can keep you company," Abby smiled mischievously.  
  
"Oh yea?" Carter lifted his eyebrows. "That sounds nice."  
  
"Carter!" Abby yelled at him, and hit him playfully on the arm.  
  
"I'm just kidding," he laughed.  
  
Their food arrived and they ate in relative silence for a while. Abby was starving.  
  
Carter watched Abby eat hungrily and smiled to himself. He loved that she felt so comfortable with him that she didn't mind pigging out on burgers and fries in front of him. He always hated it when girls pretended they weren't hungry because they didn't want to eat in front of him. He could never imagine Abby doing that and it made him happy. He thought back to a couple of weekends ago when he and Abby had both been really hyper after work and even though it had been late they stopped and bought a half gallon of ice cream on the way home. They had eaten the whole thing that night sitting on the bed. Carter smiled slightly thinking about what they had done after that.  
  
"What?" Abby asked when she noticed him smiling at her. "Is there something on my nose?"  
  
"No," Carter said still smiling. "I was just thinking of that night we ate that entire half gallon of ice cream.  
  
"Ugh!" Abby groaned. "I was so full I don't know how on earth we did that."  
  
"I know," Carter laughed. "That night was a lot of fun though," Carter said emphasizing the word a lot.  
  
Abby smiled and blushed, realizing what he was thinking about.  
  
"To bad you're on in a half an hour," Abby said seductively.  
  
"Hey, that's not fair," Carter pouted.  
  
"I guess I'll just go home to my cold empty bed," Abby teased.  
  
"Abby," Carter said complaining but then he turned serious. "Abby, what if you never had to do that again?"  
  
"What? What do you mean?" Abby asked tentatively.  
  
"Abby," Carter said taking her hands in his. "I want us to move in together," he told her looking into her eyes.  
  
"What?" Abby asked pulling her hands away.  
  
"Come on Abby, you know we love each other. I think it would be good for us."  
  
"Carter I don't need a babysitter," Abby said bitterly. "I am an adult, I can take care of myself." Abby immediately felt badly for saying it - she knew that he loved her, but she was scared. This wouldn't be like it was with Luka. This would be real.  
  
"Abby, I didn't say you needed a babysitter. This isn't just about yesterday, I've been thinking about it for awhile. I love you Abby, I want to be with you.  
  
A million thoughts raced through her mind, Carter wanted to live with her? It made her both happy and sad. She loved him, and she wanted to be with him, but she didn't want him to be moving in because he felt he had to take care of her. That's the way it was with her and Maggie. Sure she loved her, she had to, she was her mother, but she took care of her because she felt she had to, not out of love. She didn't want it to be the same with Carter.  
  
'Oh, who are you kidding Abby? You know that every time someone moves in with you they see what you're really like, and they can't handle it. Carter's no different. He'll do the same thing.'  
  
"Look, Carter, lets talk about this later OK? I want to go to bed and you have to work all night."  
  
"When are you off tomorrow?" Carter asked.  
  
"I've got a twelve tomorrow: eight to eight."  
  
"Oh," Carter said. "I'm off at noon tomorrow but I'm back on at ten. That gives us two hours and its going to be after a twelve hour for me. How about Saturday?"  
  
"Well, you're off at six in the morning and I don't go in until one. We can discuss it then."  
  
"Fine. OK I gotta go, Kerry will kill me if I'm late."  
  
They paid the bill and got up to leave. Abby walked Carter to the ambulance bay and leaned up against the brick wall. Carter stood in front of her. He just looked at her for a moment and then he said, "God Abby, I love you so much." He put his hands on both sides of her face and ever so slowly leaned in to kiss her.  
  
Abby almost wasn't patient enough to wait the time it took his lips to touch hers, but when they did the kiss was so soft she barely felt it. She reached her hand up and around his neck to pull him closer to her so she could deepen the kiss. She held onto the front of his shirt with her other hand. Abby parted her lips and their tongues began to move. First at a slow sensual pace, then quickly becoming more passionate until they needed to part for air.  
  
"God Abby, you are so perfect," Carter told her as he leaned down and began to plant soft kisses on her neck and collar bone.  
  
'Ha, perfect! Yea, right! You are so far from perfect. Look at what a mess you are.'  
  
"Carter," Abby whispered.  
  
"What?" he asked between kisses.  
  
"You're gonna be late."  
  
"I don't care," he said running his fingers through her hair.  
  
"Carter come on," she said, slightly pushing him away.  
  
Carter stopped kissing her and looked into her eyes.  
  
"I wish I was coming home with you right now," Carter said breathing heavy. Abby could see the desire in Carter's eyes, they were so brown they were almost black.  
  
"I'll be in at eight," Abby said.  
  
"Well, I'll be thinking of you all night," he told her. She blushed and reached up to kiss him goodbye, but she pulled away before he could deepen it.  
  
"Bye Carter," Abby said, and walked off towards the El.  
  
Carter stood there a few moments watching Abby walk away. He took a couple of deep breaths to calm him before he turned and walked into the ER. 


	14. love cuts deep14

CH14  
  
"Carter MVA coming in by air let's go!" Susan yelled.  
  
The helicopter doors opened and the EMT began to rattle off the history 25- year-old man with blunt abdominal trauma; "BP is 50 palp, there's two liters of saline in."  
  
They rushed him into the ER.  
  
"OK bag him," Carter yelled as soon as the intubation tube was in. "OK, I need a C-spine, abdominal series and a CT."  
  
"O-neg. is on the way," Lydia said.  
  
"OK lets give him two more liters saline," Susan said.  
  
"It's probably his spleen!" Carter yelled. "Call the OR. Let's move him.  
  
---------------------  
  
'178, 179, 180,' Abby counted the tiles on her ceiling as she lay in bed trying to shut her mind off. She couldn't stop thinking about Carter moving in with her. She knew she would say yes, even if it scared her. They were practically living together anyway.  
  
'Think about this Abby, you aren't going to have control over anything.'  
  
Abby didn't need to curl up on the floor tonight - her heat wasn't working, she had all the blankets in the house on her bed, but that still wasn't enough. Her apartment was freezing. She figured it would happen on a night when Carter wasn't there to keep her warm.  
  
Abby could feel her mood dropping.  
  
'Abby get a grip. What the hell is your problem? You can't be thinking like this, you just did it two days in a row. Jesus Abby, you just got caught'  
  
Abby was scared; she didn't want this.  
  
'Do it Abby, you know there's a million reasons why you should look at everything you've been through in the last two days. You don't know how to deal with that.'  
  
'I have Carter now. I can't let him down.'  
  
'He'll never know, come on you just did it yesterday. He won't know. Think about it Abby, it's not a secret any more, you're not safe because you don't have control anymore. It was the only thing you had control over and now you don't. I know that makes you mad.'  
  
'Of course it makes me mad,' Abby thought.  
  
"Dammit!" Abby yelled out loud. The sound seemed to scare the apartment; it rang out in the silence.  
  
'Don't cry Abby, don't you dare cry.'  
  
Abby sat up and opened her nightstand; she pulled out a razor. Carter had thrown one of her razors out the night before, but he didn't know how many she had hidden all over the place. Abby held it in her hand and she immediately tensed up. She looked at it with shaking fingers. She wanted it so badly. Her arm started itching as though it could read her mind. That scared Abby. It always scared her because that's how she always knew she was going to do it; but this time it scared her because she didn't want to let Carter down, she didn't care about herself. If it was up to her she'd slice her arms to shreds.  
  
Abby's left hand clenched together. She wanted to so it so badly, she could feel it.  
  
'Don't you dare cry Abby. Cut yourself; sure you'll feel guilty but at least you won't cry.'  
  
Abby closed her eyes trying to gather her strength. She was shaking. Suddenly Carter's face flashed before her. He was looking at her with those dark chocolate eyes; they were watching her, pleading with her. Abby threw the razor back in the drawer as though it had stung her.  
  
"Dammit!" she yelled again and threw her pillows across the room. She was so angry.  
  
Why did everything have to get so screwed up? Why did Carter have to show up and try to save her? Why did he have to love her?  
  
'Don't you dare cry Abby!'  
  
She felt like her whole life was falling apart; and now the one thing that she always turned towards to help her get through everything was becoming the cause of it all. She felt like she was falling; like that dream you always have where you keep falling but you never actually hit the ground. That's what her life felt like now; completely out of control. Abby was mad; she was mad at herself, she was mad at Carter. No, she wasn't mad at Carter, she was more than mad at Carter.  
  
'I don't want to get better. Why did he do this? Why?'  
  
Abby finally broke down and started crying. It only made her madder. She lay on her bed and cried. She had nothing, nothing at all. 


	15. love cuts deep15

CH15  
  
"Carter, I need you!" Susan yelled.  
  
"What have you got?"  
  
"Attempted suicide five minutes out," Susan answered.  
  
"OK."  
  
Carter and Susan went to the ambulance bay to wait for the patient.  
  
"Hey, uh, do you know if Abby's still mad at me?" Susan asked while they waited.  
  
"I didn't know she was," Carter replied.  
  
"Oh. Well, on Monday we got into a disagreement over a patient and she's seemed really quiet with me since then. I figured if she was going to say anything it would be to you."  
  
"No, she hasn't said anything."  
  
"Ok, well, maybe I thought she was madder than she was."  
  
Just then the ambulance pulled up.  
  
"What do we have?" Carter asked.  
  
"Thirty two year old female; Hailey Reynolds. Found in her apartment. She slit her wrists; she had already lost a lot of blood by the time we got there."  
  
Carter felt his heart jump into his throat when he heard what had happened. He looked down at the woman; she was cyanotic.  
  
"BP is 80/60 and falling. Resps are slow, pulse 130. She's hypotensive," the EMT continued.  
  
"OK, I need ten liters saline in and get some O neg. down here now!" Susan said.  
  
"She's throwing PVC's!" a nurse yelled.  
  
"OK, push an amp of eppy," Susan said.  
  
"She's in V-fib," Carter yelled. "Charge the paddles to 200. Clear!"  
  
"Still nothing," Susan said watching the screen.  
  
"300 clear, give her an amp of atropine. Charge to 350. Clear," Carter worked on her. "Jesus, how long did she lie there before someone found her?" he yelled angrily.  
  
"We don't know. She was unconscious when we got there; a neighbor found her."  
  
"So this woman is just lying there bleeding to death and no-one knew?" Carter yelled angrily.  
  
"Carter, calm down," Susan said.  
  
"Push another amp of eppy!" Carter yelled. "OK charge 400 clear."  
  
"Normal sinus. Let's get her sutured up and stop this bleeding."  
  
Carter sewed up the artery while Susan held the tourniquet.  
  
"She's lost a lot of blood," Susan said. "Pupils are dilated"  
  
Carter chose to ignore her. He didn't want to think of the ramifications of that.  
  
"OK," Carter said as he finished suturing her up. "Page me when she wakes up."  
  
"Carter - she may never wake up, you know that. She was deprived of oxygen for a long time. We don't even know how long she was lying there."  
  
"No! No!" Carter said adamantly. "She's going to make it!"  
  
"Carter, she could already be in renal failure. We don't know anything yet. If her organs shut down then."  
  
"Don't say that!" Carter said. "She could be fine!"  
  
Susan was taken aback. "Are you OK?" she asked.  
  
"Yea, I'm fine, why?"  
  
"Well, you seem to be taking this case almost personally"  
  
"It's not personal Susan. I just don't want to lose her so senselessly. God, she wasn't even awake when they found her. For all she knew she was dying alone. I don't want her to be right. Does she have any family?"  
  
'Well, it was her neighbor who found her but I'll get Chuny on it."  
  
"OK. Page me if there is any change."  
  
Carter left the room and went into the lounge. He got himself a cup of coffee and sat at the table; the patients would have to wait, he needed to rest a moment. He was still shaking from the trauma. 'God that could be Abby one day' he thought.  
  
All he could do was see Abby's face on that girl. She was the same age as her.  
  
He couldn't lose her. He didn't think he'd be able to cope without her. He sat there in a daze for awhile, he didn't even notice the time passing until Kerry walked in the room.  
  
"Are you gonna sit on your ass all night Carter and expect patients fix themselves?"  
  
"No, sorry. I'm coming," Carter said jumping up.  
  
------------  
  
Carter was sewing up a head lac when Susan came to tell him the labs were back on Hailey.  
  
"OK, let me see," Carter said taking the chart. "Damn!" Carter swore.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"She's in renal failure, she lost so much blood."  
  
"You wanna do an EEG? See if there's anything there? She could be brain dead," Susan asked.  
  
"Yea OK, did they find any family yet?"  
  
"Yea, a sister. She's on the way in, she lives a couple hours away."  
  
"OK. Let me know when that test comes back," he called after her.  
  
"Hey, have you talked to Carter tonight?" Susan asked as she and Mark waited in the ambulance bay for a patient to arrive.  
  
"A little. Why?"  
  
"Did he seem ok to you?"  
  
"Well he's a little quiet, that's all. Why? Is something wrong?" Mark asked.  
  
"I don't know. He just got really worked up over an attempted suicide earlier, and I wondered if he was ok now."  
  
"Different patients affect us all in different ways, he'll be fine."  
  
"Here we go," Mark said as the ambulance rolled up.  
  
--  
  
"Carter, your suicide is throwing PVC's," Chuny yelled to him.  
  
"Why didn't someone call me?"  
  
"I just did."  
  
Carter ran into Hailey's room just as he heard Susan yell, "She's in V-fib. Lets give her two migs of atropine and charge the paddles to 200. OK. Clear!"  
  
"Still V-fib," Carter said.  
  
"OK, charging 250. Clear!"  
  
"Regular sinus," Chuny called.  
  
"OK we did it!" Carter declared.  
  
"Carter!" Lydia said walking into the trauma room. "The sister is here."  
  
"Do you want me to talk to her?" Susan asked.  
  
"No, I'll do it," Carter said, taking his gloves off and throwing them away.  
  
Lydia led Carter to chairs.  
  
"Mrs. Reynolds?" Carter asked.  
  
"It's Georgio. I'm married," a woman said standing up with her husband. "What's wrong with my sister? No one will tell me anything except there was an emergency. Please, what happened?"  
  
"Well your sister tried to commit suicide. She cut her wrists, by the time someone found her she had been there awhile and she lost a lot of blood."  
  
"But she'll be OK now right? I mean you can help her?"  
  
"Mrs. Georgio, Hailey lost a lot of blood which deprived a lot of her organs, including her brain, of oxygen; and now her kidneys are shutting down, and she's unconscious. Her heart did stop beating but we were able to get it back."  
  
"Oh, thank god!" Mrs. Georgio replied.  
  
"However, due to the lack of oxygen to her brain, she may be brain dead. We haven't run the test yet, but you need to be aware that there is a chance she may never wake up."  
  
"Oh god!" she said. "Can I see her?"  
  
"Yea, I'll take you to her room."  
  
Carter stood outside the door while Hailey's family was with her and he thought about Abby. He couldn't imagine what he would do if something like this ever happened to her. She was his whole world now. He knew he'd never truly been in love with anyone before. Of course he had loved, but it had never even been close to the way he loved Abby. He loved her completely, totally, with everything he had. He couldn't stand to spend even a day away from her. He lived and breathed for her. The way her hair always seemed to fall around her shoulders no matter how hard she tried to keep it up. And the way she always gave him that tilted head smile whenever he saw her across a room. Everything about her was magic to him.  
  
'Abby's not suicidal,' Carter reminded himself. 'She just needs to know I'll be there no matter what. She just needs help, love, and reassurance. She'll be OK. She has to be.'  
  
Seeing this woman had really shaken him up.  
  
Just then Carter heard the alarms going off in the trauma room.  
  
"Lydia, get Susan, quick!"  
  
"What's happening?" Mrs. Georgio asked, starting to panic.  
  
"You're going to have to step out," Carter said.  
  
"No, no I want to stay with her."  
  
"Do you need any help?" Chuny asked rushing in.  
  
"Yes, can you escort Mr and Mrs Georgio to chairs?' Carter asked.  
  
"What happened?' Susan asked rushing in.  
  
"Multi organ failure, she's in V-fib," Carter told her.  
  
"Did her sister sign a DNR yet?"  
  
"What? No we haven't even seen if she's brain dead yet. Charge the paddles to 150. Clear!"  
  
"Carter, come on. Multi organ failure. She's a vegetable and you know it"  
  
"No, I don't. She can still make it. Charge 200. Clear."  
  
Susan looked at Carter. He was very serious about not losing this patient.  
  
"OK," Susan said. "Lets do this. Charge to 350. Clear!"  
  
"Still nothing."  
  
They worked on Hailey for forty minutes.  
  
"Carter, come on. Its over," Susan said, putting her hand on Carter's arm.  
  
"No, it's not. We can still get her back. Come on, keep up with compressions."  
  
"Carter."  
  
Carter looked at her and stopped.  
  
"Do you want me to call it?" Susan asked.  
  
"No. Time of death; 5:06am," Carter pronounced.  
  
The nurses cleared out and went to get the death kit, but Carter and Susan remained behind.  
  
"Dammit!" Carter swore and knocked one of the trays across the trauma room.  
  
Susan jumped.  
  
"I'll tell her sister"  
  
"No!" Carter said. "I'll do it."  
  
Carter, you really shouldn't."  
  
"I said, I'll do it," he cut her off.  
  
"OK," Susan said, taking one last worried look at Carter and walking out of the room.  
  
--  
  
"Mrs. Georgio," Carter said walking up to her.  
  
"Is she OK?" she asked, getting to her feet.  
  
"I'm sorry; her heart stopped. We did everything humanly possible to get her back, but she had multiple organ failure due to a lack of blood."  
  
"No!" Mrs. Georgio yelled. "No!"  
  
"I'm sorry, but we couldn't get her back.'  
  
"No!" She yelled again, collapsing against her husband.  
  
"I'm so sorry." Carter said and walked away. 


	16. love cuts deep16

CH16  
  
Abby awoke to her alarm at six o'clock on Friday morning. Her apartment was freezing cold. She lay there under the covers for several minutes, but it was cold even there so she got up, grabbed some clothes, and went through her morning routine as fast as possible. At least the hospital would be warm.  
  
Abby walked into the lounge as Susan was pouring herself a cup of coffee.  
  
"Oh hi Abby," Susan said, startled.  
  
"Hi," Abby replied and went to her locker. She poured herself a cup of coffee hoping that it would warm her up.  
  
They stood there together in silence for a few minutes and finally Susan spoke.  
  
"Are we OK? Susan asked tentatively.  
  
"What? Yea. Why?"  
  
"Well, I mean, cause we had that argument the other day and stuff."  
  
"Oh no, don't worry about it. I was just in a bad mood."  
  
'Well at least she's not mad at you anymore. That's one good thing'  
  
"Well, I just wanted you to know I was sorry," Susan told her.  
  
"Yea. Me too," Abby said.  
  
"Hey, uh Abby, you might wanna check on Carter. We had an attempted suicide earlier: a woman cut her wrists. We lost her, but Carter took it really hard."  
  
Abby froze. "What happened?" she asked, swallowing hard.  
  
"I don't really know; he just flipped out. I tried to get him to talk to me but he said he was fine. I think if he's gonna talk to anyone it will be you. I think he might be upset because of next Friday being Valentines Day. The girl wasn't found for awhile. She was left alone bleeding to death. Someone found her at the last minute; she was practically brain dead when she got here. I think he was thinking about Lucy."  
  
"Yea," Abby said absently.  
  
'Oh my god,' Abby thought. 'I can't believe I've been so wrapped up in my life lately I didn't even realize how close it was to Valentines Day.'  
  
"Hey, Susan?"  
  
"Yea?"  
  
"I was wondering if you could help me with something?"  
  
"Sure. What?"  
  
"Well, I want to do something really special for John on Valentines Day. I know how hard that day is on him and its been three years. I want to do something that will give him happy memories on that day too."  
  
"That's a really good idea. What do you want me to do? Go shopping with you at Victoria's secret?" Susan joked.  
  
"Hmmm, well now that you mention it," Abby giggled. "I really should get something new; we could go later this week. But seriously though, I wanna come up with something really romantic. Do you think you can help me?"  
  
"Well I don't know how romantic I am but I'll try," Susan agreed. "I gotta get back, Weaver will have my head on a platter. Are you on now?'  
  
"Half an hour, I'm a little early. Do me a favor; don't tell weaver I'm here yet? I don't want dragged in on any traumas!"  
  
"OK, see ya," Susan said walking out of the room.  
  
--  
  
"Hey," Abby said coming up to Carter at the desk and putting her arms around him.  
  
"Hey," Carter said stepping back. "Did you sleep well?"  
  
'Is it just me or did he just pull away?' Abby wondered.  
  
"Yea," Abby lied.  
  
'There you go with the lying again.'  
  
"Are you alright?" she asked him.  
  
"Yea, I'm fine," he said smiling.  
  
'Great. Now he's lying to you. He's the one person who never lies to you. See? Your relationship is already getting ruined. You know he's not ok.'  
  
"OK," Abby said, figuring if they were going to discuss it then they would do it later.  
  
"I got a patient," Carter said picking up a chart and walking off.  
  
Abby felt guilty. It was totally her fault that Carter was upset.  
  
'This is too much for him to handle Abby. He can't do this. Look what you did to him.'  
  
This was gonna be a long day.  
  
----------  
  
"Hey," Carter said peeking into the curtain area where Abby was working with Luka. "Abby can I talk to you?"  
  
Abby looked at Luka questioningly.  
  
"Go ahead," Luka told her not looking at Carter.  
  
"What's up?" Abby asked walking out of the room.  
  
"My shifts over. I just wanted to say bye; I'm going home, I'm exhausted. But I'll be over in the morning after my shift OK?"  
  
"OK," Abby said feeling let down but not knowing why.  
  
'That's a lie Abby. You know why; it's because he's not talking to you, not really, he doesn't want to talk to you about what happened today. He doesn't trust you anymore. This relationship was perfect and now it's ruined.'  
  
"Have a good day," Carter said.  
  
"I'll try. I heard yours was pretty awful," Abby said trying to draw him out.  
  
"What?" Carter said looking annoyed.  
  
"Nothing," Abby said swallowing hard. "I'll see you tomorrow," she said quickly, kissing him goodbye and walking away.  
  
Carter watched Abby walk away he felt defeated. It made his heart sick to think that Abby had any idea of what happened that night; he was supposed to protect her. He knew that she blamed herself for everything, especially lately with everything going on with Eric. He didn't want her to know he was this shaken up. He didn't want her to know he was scared.  
  
'Abby's too closed up as it is, if she finds out that I'm scared she'll close up more. I have to be strong for he,' Carter thought.  
  
Carter was afraid that Susan might say something to Abby about what had happened. He wanted to tell her not to say anything, but he knew there was no way to do that without involving her in Abby's life and he couldn't do that to Abby.  
  
He slammed his locker door and headed home; all the while thinking about Abby and how much he loved her. He was going to find a way to help her. She was going to get better, he would make sure. He had promised her when she found out about Eric that he would be there; that she wasn't alone and he meant it. No matter what it did to him. No matter how much it scared him he would fix her.  
  
'Fix her huh, isn't that exactly what she didn't want you to do?'  
  
Carter pushed that thought out of his mind. He would fix her. And no matter what she said, he knew she needed it. 


	17. love cuts deep17

CH 17  
  
"..And then he threw the tray across the room," Susan finished telling Abby what happened.  
  
'This is all your fault Abby, I hope you're happy.'  
  
"Are you OK?" Susan asked worriedly when Abby didn't say anything.  
  
"Yea, I'm just worried about John," she lied.  
  
Susan felt there was more to it than that but decided not to press the issue. If Abby wanted her to know, she would tell her.  
  
----------  
  
Abby finished her charts and left around eight thirty. She prayed her apartment would be warm. Of course it wasn't warm, which meant her pipes were now frozen.  
  
'Well, so much for a hot shower!'  
  
She was exhausted. She changed into warm pajamas and jumped into bed as quickly as possible. She didn't lie awake counting anything tonight. It took a good twenty minutes for her teeth to stop chattering, but as soon as they did she was asleep.  
  
Carter unlocked the door to Abby's apartment; it was only almost seven in the morning and he didn't want to wake her. He opened the door and walked inside. The first thing he noticed was how cold it was and he got scared. He rushed to Abby's room and found her safely buried under what looked to be a hundred blankets. He took his coat off but didn't bother getting undressed - it was much too cold. He crawled under the covers beside Abby, only her nose and eyes were above the blanket. He leaned over and kissed her nose, it was ice cold. He pulled the blankets farther over himself and wrapped his arms around Abby.  
  
'What is wrong with the heat?' he wondered.  
  
Abby stirred when she felt John's arms around her; he was so warm.  
  
"Carter?" She mumbled turning in his arms to face him  
  
"No, Luka," he joked.  
  
"Hmmm you're late," Abby replied. "Carter will be here any minute."  
  
"Ha ha," Carter smiled and leaned in to kiss her. "It's freezing in here Abby, what happened to the heat?"  
  
"It's broke. It went off sometime Thursday," she mumbled into the crook of his neck. He smelled so good.  
  
"Thursday!" Carter said shocked. "You went two days without heat and didn't tell me? Did you call the company?"  
  
"Haven't had the time."  
  
"Abby."  
  
"Can we not talk about it?"  
  
"Fine," Carter sighed dejectedly. "I'll call them today and get it fixed.'  
  
"Thank you," She said almost falling back to sleep in his arms.  
  
'She felt so safe there. She felt protected from every evil thing in the world when she was lying in his arms. It was like a fairy tale.'  
  
"Carter?"  
  
"Yea?"  
  
"When can you move your things in?" she asked running her fingers under his shirt and through the hair on his chest.  
  
"As soon as possible," He replied.  
  
----------  
  
Abby woke up around ten to the phone ringing. She groaned and crawled out of Carter's arms to answer it.  
  
"Thanks," Abby said hanging up.  
  
"Who was it?" Carter asked sleepily from the other side of the bed.  
  
"Weaver. Apparently one of the nurses wanted some extra money so she's taking my shift. I've got the day off."  
  
"Good," he said wrapping his arms back around her trying to keep out the cold. "We really have to get that heat fixed today," Carter complained.  
  
"Why? Don't you like the excuse of having to cuddle up close to me to keep warm?" Abby asked pouting.  
  
"I don't need an excuse to be close to you," he told her pulling her even closer and kissing her deeply.  
  
"So what happened at work yesterday?" Abby asked when he pulled away.  
  
She felt Carter immediately tense up.  
  
"Oh, uh, nothing much," Carter said rolling on to his back and running his fingers through his hair.  
  
"Nothing happened, or nothing you want to talk about?" Abby asked slightly sarcastic.  
  
"Nothing, nothing," Carter told her annoyed.  
  
"Fine," Abby said rolling away from him.  
  
"What? So now you're mad at me?" Carter asked.  
  
"No, I'm fine," Abby said smartly. "If you don't want to talk to me I don't care."  
  
"Oh, give me a break. Like you have any right to talk to me about not wanting to talk? You never want to talk. EVER! God, Abby, it's like pulling teeth to get you to tell me anything."  
  
"Great, John, make this about me," she said getting up. "Fine. It always is, isn't it? Abby's messed up. Abby's family is crazy. Abby's a drunk. You think I don't get that? Like somehow it slipped past me and you need to throw it in my face?!" she yelled at him as she ruffled through her dresser looking for warm clothes.  
  
"Abby, that's not what I said," he felt immediately guilty although he didn't really know why. He hadn't done anything wrong. But Abby was upset, and he hated that.  
  
"Of course you didn't say it. You didn't have to."  
  
'Abby, what are you doing?' she asked herself. 'He didn't do anything. Why are you so mad?'  
  
But she couldn't help herself. She was frustrated. She knew Carter was upset because he cared about her, so she wanted him to stop caring. She wanted to make him mad. The logical part of her brain knew this was the wrong thing to do. She knew she would regret it, but right now she wasn't being logical and she didn't care. She just wanted to yell, to argue, to push him away. It was her fault he was hurt, and she wanted to push him away, make him stop caring. No matter how much it hurt her to do it.  
  
"Abby!" Carter said sitting up and ignoring the cold. "I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want to upset you."  
  
"Oh I get it," Abby said putting her sweatshirt on. "Because I can't handle it. Because I..., because of my issue I'm too fragile to handle anything, right? Like a little kid. Thanks a lot for the vote of confidence Carter!"  
  
She walked out of the room and slammed the door.  
  
"Abby, Abby!" Carter called after her but she ignored him. He heard the front door slam and he sighed. He didn't know what to do.  
  
Author's note ok I have gotten several reviews of people asking me if this is a subject that touches me personally. Well at first I wasn't going to admit to anything but so many people have told me how this has touched them or that I'm brave for writing this and I felt that I wasn't really living up to that or being brave If I didn't admit to it. Yes I do deal with this personally I have been suffering from self-injury for 6 years. I say suffering because it is like a disease. I'm trying very hard to get over it. This story may seem like it's being drawn out. Several people have mentioned that and I suppose it is. This story is like therapy to me. I want this story to remain as realistic as possible I want the characters to change over time as in real life. Right now the format is day to day but soon it will change to pass more time more quickly. I hope you all don't get bored I'm just trying to make this real, deep, and emotional. 


	18. love cuts deep18

CH18  
  
'God Abby, you really are stupid, you know that? I mean, I knew you were dumb, but boy, this really takes the cake. I never thought you were this dumb, well actually maybe I did but still, this is pretty pathetic. If things with Carter weren't ruined before they definitely are now. Good job, loser.' Abby listened to her thoughts as she walked down the windy Chicago Street. She hated herself totally and completely. And why shouldn't she? She deserved nothing better. She was pushing away the only person who actually might be able to save her.  
  
'Good,' she thought. 'You don't deserve to be saved. Why did you even think you could be? That was stupid. All it did was make things worse.'  
  
Abby thought about Carter; she had just left him, just run out after yelling at him, and yelling at him for basically nothing. He hadn't done anything except try to be there for her and try to protect her from being hurt. She started crying as she walked along the streets. That made her even more mad.  
  
'Stop it Abby, stop crying right now. This is your fault. You don't deserve to cry.' Abby wiped away her tears and walked into a coffee shop she spotted on the corner.  
  
----------  
  
Carter lay under the covers thinking after he heard the front door slam. The sound made him cringe. He had no idea where she went and he knew he had next to no chance of finding her even if he did go looking. No, she would come back on her own and he would have to wait.  
  
Carter lay back in the bed but all he could do was think of Abby. He was so frustrated; all he wanted to do was help her but it seemed like all she wanted to do was push him away. He wouldn't leave her, he would never let her push him away but he felt like he wasn't helping. He was wide awake now and too worried to go back to sleep so he got up and dressed. The first thing he did was call the gas company. He was miffed that Abby hadn't told him about the heat but he was going to get it fixed today.  
  
Abby came home hours later, just as Carter knew she would and he was waiting for her.  
  
"Hey," Carter said softly not moving from the place on the couch where he was sitting.  
  
"Hey," she replied.  
  
"Look." Carter started to say.  
  
"Carter," she interrupted him. "I don't want to do this. You should just go home, I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
"Abby, I don't want to go home. I want to be with you."  
  
"I know," she said. "But not tonight, I think we both just need a break. I'm not mad, I just.. You should go."  
  
"Abby, I'm not going to leave you alone when you are upset,' he said getting up and walking towards her.  
  
Abby didn't want him to touch her, not right now. She stepped back and walked towards the kitchen taking her coat off and throwing it over the back of a chair.  
  
Carter was hurt and frustrated but he hid it from her. This wasn't about him, it was about Abby.  
  
"Carter, I'm serious."  
  
"So am I," he said looking her directly in the eye.  
  
Abby could tell he wasn't going to budge on this one. So she gave up and went to her room.  
  
Carter didn't leave her apartment at all that day and Abby never came out of her room. That night they slept on opposite sides of the bed. Things stayed rather cold between them for several days; they worked their shifts and came home. They didn't talk much and Abby didn't ask him to leave again. Neither one was really mad at the other anymore. Abby was just stuck in her head and Carter, well, he just didn't know how to reach her.  
  
Wednesday rolled around and Abby ran into Susan in the lounge as she left work.  
  
"Hey," Susan said to her as she got ready to leave. "Are you and Carter OK? I mean, if you want to say it's none of my business I understand but I just wanted to see if you were all right."  
  
"Yea we're alright," Abby said. "I guess we've both been really tired the last few days."  
  
"OK," Susan said not really sure if Abby was being truthful or not. "Well, you know if you ever need to talk I'm here, right?"  
  
"Yea of course."  
  
"O. Hey, by the way, when are we gonna go to the mall? We are running out of time."  
  
"Hmm, well what do you work tomorrow?" Abby asked.  
  
"I'm on at nine"  
  
"I'm on at eight so lets go during the day tomorrow before work," Abby said.  
  
"Ok I'll meet you at your place noonish. We can do lunch first."  
  
"Yea that sounds nice, see you tomorrow," Abby said as she left.  
  
----------  
  
"So where do you want to eat?" Abby asked.  
  
"Anything's fine with me; I skipped breakfast so I'm starving."  
  
"OK, well the food court is fine with me then," Abby told her.  
  
"OK, so what's the plan?" Susan asked after they ordered their food and sat down.  
  
For the last several days Abby hadn't really been in the mood to plan for Valentines Day but Susan's excitement was wearing off on her.  
  
"Well I'm not sure, I wanted to make a big dinner and put candles all over the house and make it really romantic but the problem is we both work that day. I work till six and he's on till seven so I won't have time."  
  
"Well if you give me a key I can do the cooking for you, I don't work till midnight that night," Susan suggested.  
  
"No I wouldn't ask you to do that. There must be something else I can do."  
  
"Well you could go out to someplace fancy."  
  
"Yea but I can't really afford that right now and besides I wanted it to be romantic and private," Abby sighed.  
  
"Hey what if you order Chinese food from the restaurant down the street? If you call and order it as soon as you get home then that should give you enough time to get dressed and pick the food up before Carter gets home."  
  
"Hey I hadn't thought of that, that's a really good idea," Abby told her. "I could set up the candles and everything then just run down and get the food. Of course, now I have to find something to wear. I think I have, like, two dresses to my name and Carter has seen both of them."  
  
"OK lets go!" Susan said getting up and throwing away their garbage.  
  
"Oh my god! That is definitely the one," Susan told Abby when she came out of the dressing room wearing a slinky red dress; the back of which was mostly open and the skirt reached to the perfect spot on her leg. It wasn't too short, but it was just short enough to make a guy notice.  
  
"Are you sure?" Abby asked her nervously.  
  
"Absolutely! You look fabulous in that! You have to get it!"  
  
Abby looked at the price tag again. It was kind of expensive but she knew Susan was right, this was definitely the perfect dress.  
  
"OK, Victoria's Secret is next," Susan said as they were leaving the store.  
  
Abby giggled and followed her. She was having such a good time. It was strange to Abby that here she was shopping with Carter's ex-girlfriend. But really, it was strange that it wasn't weird.  
  
"Abby, hello earth to Abby."  
  
"Oh sorry, what?"  
  
"What were you thinking about?"  
  
'Well actually," Abby said smiling, "I was thinking about how strange it is that you're Carter's ex-girlfriend but here you are helping me plan all this stuff for him."  
  
"Oh puh-lease!" Susan groaned. "It's no big deal, I can't believe I ever dated him."  
  
"Hey!" Abby said. "What's that say about me?"  
  
"No, no," Susan laughed. "I just meant that I know from the beginning that he really loved you and not me. It was just one of those things where we were both lonely and we had a crush on each other years before so it just kind of happened."  
  
"Uh, yea, sorry about that," Abby said for a lack of really having anything else to say.  
  
"Oh don't be sorry, Abby, everything has turned out for the best anyway. Besides, now I'm free to date my true love - a certain sadistic surgeon," Susan joked.  
  
"I swear to god, if you ever dated Romano I'd disown you as a friend," Abby informed her.  
  
"Oh, don't worry, I'd definitely disown myself first. Hey, here you go Abby, I found the perfect thing." She held up a little one piece with leather straps and buckles all over it.  
  
"There is no way you would ever catch me in that," Abby laughed. "It looks like something that belongs to the 'mistress of pain'."  
  
"Hey, there's an idea, you could get her number off her old chart at work and ask her where she got her torture swing or any of her other goodies for that matter," Susan laughed.  
  
"No thank you, I still can't believe we had to go to a sexual harassment class."  
  
"I know, actually what I can't believe was the near fist fight between Luka and Carter," Susan said. "You know that was one of the biggest things that made me realize he really liked you."  
  
"What? Why that?"  
  
"Well, because Carter hardly ever looses his temper and it was so obvious that he was just jealous that you were staying at Luka's."  
  
"God, can you believe how crazy that day was? Things were so messed up with everyone. Can you believe that I hated you before that day just because you were with Carter?"  
  
"Yea, truth be told I really didn't think I would like you either," Susan told her. "I was surprised when we hit it off so well."  
  
"Oh my gosh, look!'  
  
"What?" Susan asked.  
  
"This is perfect!" Abby said holding up a black lacy number.  
  
"Wow! Carter's gonna flip when he sees you in that," Susan said.  
  
"Ok, let me just pay for this and we can go," Abby told her.  
  
"I really had fun today," Susan told Abby as she dropped her off at home.  
  
"Me too," she replied and she realized that she really had. Susan was a really great friend she thought. Despite the way she felt in the beginning she was glad now that Susan had come back.  
  
"We should do this again sometime," Abby said.  
  
"Yea we'll make plans. OK I gotta go see you at work.'  
  
"Yea bye." 


	19. love cuts deep19

Ch 19  
  
Abby got to work and put her coat in her locker, then she set off to find Carter. He was just coming out of the suture room. Abby grabbed him and dragged him into the first empty room she could find.  
  
"What the.?" Carter started to say but Abby cut him off with a kiss. It was so intense that it took his breath away.  
  
When Abby broke away there was a huge grin on her face. She kept her forehead to his and whispered; "I've missed you. I know you never really went anywhere but I still missed you."  
  
Carter didn't say a word but he leaned in to kiss her again. He'd missed this so much, it had been so hard spending the last three days with her but not being able to touch her. He loved the way Abby could make his entire body come alive in just one kiss. He would swear that he could even feel his toes tingling. The thought made him smile.  
  
"What?" Abby asked looking up at him.  
  
"You can even make my toes tingle," he told her.  
  
She just smiled and kissed him again with even more passion then before. She knew exactly what he meant because she felt the same way.  
  
"Hey, don't you guys ever come up for air?" Susan joked from the doorway.  
  
They jumped apart when they heard her.  
  
"Hey, uh, how long have you been standing there?" Carter asked wiping his mouth.  
  
"Long enough, Weaver's looking for you," she smiled then turned and walked out of the room.  
  
"You're off soon aren't you?" Abby asked.  
  
"Yea, now, unless Weaver's got a problem. When will you be home?"  
  
"Five am, then I'm back on at noon to work another six hours. It could be worse."  
  
"Well wake me when you get in,' Carter said with a gleam in his eye.  
  
"At five?" she asked. "Are you sure?"  
  
"What can I say? I've missed you." He kissed her and walked away.  
  
----------  
  
Abby dropped her keys on the counter and headed into the bedroom. She got into her silk nightgown and crawled into bed. She knew John would appreciate her choice in pajamas, and now that he had the heat fixed she wouldn't freeze to death.  
  
"Hey baby," she whispered as she crawled into the bed. She leaned over him and kissed him.  
  
"Hey, now there's a good way to wakeup," Carter said while kissing Abby back. He smiled down at her noticing her nightgown. "I'm glad you woke me," he said. Abby just smiled.  
  
----------  
  
Abby slammed her locker and rushed out of the ER. It was already a quarter after six; she needed to hurry if she was going to have time to shower and change. She hesitated a second at the door, she really should say good bye to Carter but she had no idea where he was.  
  
'Oh well,' she thought. 'You're going to more then make up for it tonight.' Abby continued out the doors and rushed to the EL.  
  
Abby took the fastest shower of her life; blow dried her hair and put curlers in it. Then she picked the food up and was just done setting the table and lighting the candles when she heard John's key in the lock. She rushed to the door.  
  
'If I never have to face another Valentines Day again it will be too soon,' Carter thought. It had been such a long day. Everywhere he turned there was something to remind him of Lucy. There were paper hearts strung up all over the hospital. Everywhere he turned someone was wishing someone Happy Valentines Day. To make things worse, Abby hadn't even said bye when she left.  
  
He pushed open the door to Abby's apartment and he immediately saw her in front of him. She looked unbelievably gorgeous in a red dress that looked as though someone had made it specifically for her body. Her hair looked almost golden in the candlelight. The sight of her took Carter's breath away and made his knees week.  
  
"Hi," she said almost shyly.  
  
Carter stepped forward and took her into his arms. "You are absolutely the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," Carter whispered into her hair.  
  
Abby just stuck her nose in his neck and soaked in his scent. "Come on," she said after a moment and lead him into the kitchen. "I didn't have time to cook because of work but I ordered Chinese and we are eating off of the good china.'  
  
"I don't care what I eat as long as it's with you," he said.  
  
Abby had planned this entire night for John but she couldn't help but notice how her heart skipped a beat when he smiled at her and how butterflies fluttered in her stomach the second his hand touched hers.  
  
Abby and John ate dinner slowly and comfortably. Abby even had a bottle of grape juice that she served in wineglasses. They both took turns watching one another over the dinner table. Each of them wondering what on earth they did to deserve the other.  
  
When they were finished with dinner Carter picked her up and blew out the candles in the living room. The light from the candles in the bedroom led the way.  
  
Carter put her on the bed and lay beside her.  
  
"Abby this is the most amazing and romantic thing that's ever been done for me."  
  
Abby smiled up at him. She felt truly, honestly happy. "I couldn't stand seeing you hurt so much on this day. I wanted you to have something good to remember too."  
  
Carter just smiled down at her.  
  
"John," Abby said looking directly into his chocolate brown eyes. "I love you." Then she kissed him.  
  
Carter couldn't describe the feeling he got in the pit of his stomach. It felt like hot sparks, he was so happy.  
  
"I will never forget this as long as I live," Carter told her. "And just in case I don't tell you enough, I love you too Abby Lockhart."  
  
"Well, this night isn't over yet, I think I can manage to give you a few more memories," Abby said smiling as she began to kiss him.  
  
(let me know what you think ch 20 will be up soon but I need r&r's!!) 


	20. love cuts deep20

CH20  
  
The next three weeks passed rather quickly. Abby was doing really good. Carter had moved in, and neither of them had even mentioned her cutting since before Valentines Day. They had fun; they did all the normal fun things that couples did. Abby seemed much better and Carter loved seeing her happy. But one night about the third week of March it all began to unravel.  
  
'Thank god,' Abby thought as she walked into her apartment after having one of her worst days in a long time. She just wanted to take a long hot bath and then curl up in front of the TV with a movie.  
  
She lay in the tub and just relaxed. She felt like crying for no reason at all.  
  
'Abby don't do this. You're fine.'  
  
Abby closed her eyes and tried to relax her muscles.  
  
'It's happening again,' she thought. 'You knew it would, it doesn't matter how happy you get it always comes back.'  
  
Abby opened her eyes and saw her shaver. She immediately looked away.  
  
'Think about Carter. Think about how much you love him. Think about how hurt he would be.'  
  
Abby couldn't handle it. It had been so long since the last time she cut that just thinking about it made her crave it almost instantly.  
  
'Carter works all night he'll never catch you, you know you can get away with it.'  
  
Abby got out of the tub and got her pajamas on. The only thing she could think about was how badly she wanted to cut; how badly she wanted to feel the blade against her skin. Part of her wished she was still drinking; it was always easier to do it drunk, it made you feel even more numb. It let you cut without thinking about the consequences. Abby pushed that thought out of her head, she absolutely refused to drink. That wasn't something she could hide; it wasn't something she wanted to deal with ever again. This addiction was bad enough.  
  
'Abby, stop thinking about it, just do it, you know you won't get caught and you'll feel so much better. Come on, just do it!'  
  
Abby reached into the very back of her nightstand drawer and pulled out her razors. The second she touched one she felt a sharp hot spark run through her body. She had to do it and she had to do it right now. The urge was too much to handle. It over whelmed her, it made every muscle in her body ache for it. She got some paper towels out of the kitchen to catch the blood and went to her room. She didn't think about what she was doing. She didn't think about anything at all. Her mind went completely blank. She refused to think about how she would feel later. She put the razor to her wrist and sliced across it as fast as she could. She sliced her arms up opening all the old scars. She was floating. The pain gave her such a feeling of euphoria nothing else mattered. She watched the blood run down her arm. She just stared at it; she couldn't explain the feeling it gave her. It made everything in the world balance out. It made time stand still. Nothing else could ever make her feel this way. She knew she was in trouble. She had waited so long to do it that it made the high so much bigger. She was hooked again. Like any addiction, all it took was once. A new cycle was starting. Much like the dance she did with her mother, but this was a never- ending cycle with herself. A cycle that she couldn't stop on her own, she needed help. And she was too afraid to ask for it.  
  
When Abby woke up Carter was lying next to her; she hadn't heard him come in. She watched him sleep and started to get angry - it was so unfair, she had completely changed in one night. She went from being fine to being miserable and Carter didn't even know. It wasn't fair; she had to live with all these things in her head. He had no idea of most of them. How they always told her she wasn't good enough. Well. not always, lately it had been better; not counting last night anyway.  
  
She thought about what her mother had said to her two years ago, standing on the balcony of a hotel on the way home from Oklahoma after a particularly bad episode of depression. She was watching some children play and she told her, "I watch people like that for hours. People doing their marketing, tying their shoes. Just doing routine things that probably bore them to tears. I think how lucky they are; they have ordinary lives."  
  
At the time Abby had told her if she just stayed on her meds that she could be normal too; but Maggie had said she could never be normal like that. Abby had tried to convince her. It was what she had to do because it was her job to make her mother better. It was her job to say what needed to be said. She couldn't break down and tell her that she felt the same way everyday. Her mother had asked her why she'd come. Abby had simply told her it was because she needed her. Abby couldn't tell her that taking care of her was destroying her more everytime because Maggie needed her and that was more important. It didn't matter how much it made her suffer; it never mattered except to Carter. No, that was a lie; it had mattered to Luka too, he just never knew the right thing to say. She had tried to tell Carter that once, the way she always seemed to have to explain her feelings to Luka even though she'd been with him for awhile. That was the day Carter had chosen to tell her he didn't want to just be friends anymore, which ultimately led to her realizing she didn't want to just be his friend anymore either. It was strange the way things worked themselves out.  
  
Abby hated the thought that she was anything like her mother. She remembered the last thing her mother had said to her on that balcony. She said, "there's no one here to save."  
  
Abby didn't want to think about it anymore. She hated that she felt the same way. She wasn't like her mother, her mother was crazy. Abby just had problems but she could deal with them.  
  
Carter could tell Abby was watching him. He opened his eyes and smiled at her, "Morning beautiful."  
  
Abby cringed as soon as Carter spoke to her. She didn't deserve it. "Hey," she said as she rolled over and got up. She just wasn't in the mood to chat this morning. 


	21. love cuts deep21

CH21  
  
Abby stood in the shower and let the hot water run over her. She couldn't believe how depressed she felt. She had known it would come back, it always did, but every time she felt good she thought maybe this time she wouldn't hit a low again. She could get so happy. She could get to the point where she even thought that maybe she could actually be normal; but it never lasted. Out of nowhere a wave of depression would hit her; it was like the beauty of a cliff that comes before it's fall, and once again she had fallen. She didn't know what to do; she didn't want to slip back into this, but she didn't want to ask for help either. It was too hard. She felt so guilty it physically hurt. Carter would be crushed if he found out.  
  
Abby sighed and crawled out of the shower.  
  
'It starts,' she thought and sighed. Strange how one day everything can matter, and the next day you can't even figure out why any of it mattered in the first place.  
  
She got dressed and looked at herself in the mirror. She felt so strange, like nothing around her was real.  
  
The fog in the bathroom only added to her out of body feeling. She sighed and dragged herself out of the bathroom.  
  
The next three days passed by so slowly; she couldn't sleep and every morning when the alarm went off the first thing she thought was 'I can't do this.' But she did; she forced herself to. It's what she always did.  
  
She didn't see Carter much those three days; their shifts were pretty opposite. She spent the two nights Carter worked and she had off cutting herself. Carter hadn't noticed, he hadn't seen her enough to notice, but tonight they were off at the same time so they were going to have the night together. Carter was looking forward to it but Abby was dreading it. She was emotionally exhausted; she'd been pretending she was fine for three days now but she wasn't. She walked around with a smile that wasn't real. She avoided Carter like the plague. Her whole body hurt from pretending to be happy. The only thing harder then being depressed was pretending not to be.  
  
"Ready?" Carter asked her, meeting her at the admit desk.  
  
"Yea," she said, forcing a smile, but no matter now hard she tried she couldn't get it to reach her eyes.  
  
Carter watched Abby walk to the lounge, he knew something was wrong. She looked like she was dragging her feet; it looked like every step was a challenge. She'd been good for a couple weeks now, happy even. Not that Abby couldn't be happy, but she had really been dealing with things in her stride; even on the bad days she had handled them really well. But now something wasn't right.  
  
'Ok, relax, you've barely seen her in the last three days, she's probably just tired,' Carter tried to rationalize the situation but no matter what he told himself he couldn't shake the feeling that something was definitely wrong. He could always tell when she was upset, it was an instinct.  
  
'Please let me be wrong,' Carter silently prayed.  
  
He met her at the lounge door and they walked to the EL in silence. Carter paid close attention to everything Abby did. He noticed the dark circles under her eyes, and the way she seemed to look at things without seeing them; even the way she held his hand was different. She did it like it was a habit. It made him uneasy. He was afraid of what she might be thinking. He felt an immediate sense of dread wash over him when he realized with a sinking heart what she might have already done. He hadn't been around much in the last three days; there was nothing to stop her. He felt his eyes quickly drift to her wrist, it made him feel guilty. Like he was letting her down for immediately assuming the worst but he couldn't help it. All the signs were there.  
  
'You have to say something to her, you have to find out.'  
  
He didn't know what to say, he was scared to death. It was a shaky subject and he didn't want the upset her more than she already was. 'You have to say something. You have to! Think of all the times before when you didn't know and you didn't say anything. Think of what she suffered through alone. You have to let her know you're here to help her.'  
  
Carter watched Abby; it didn't take much for him to be able to tell she wasn't ok.  
  
'Say something,' he told himself. 'You love her, you have to help her, whether she wants it or not.' Carter hoped he was wrong, but he knew in his heart he wasn't.  
  
'What if I confront her and she hasn't done it? She'll be so hurt and angry. She'll think I don't trust her.'  
  
But he knew he could handle any of that if it meant he could prevent her from hurting herself. He was scared to death, but he made up his mind he would find out what was wrong, and he would find out tonight.  
  
  
  
*It might be a couple days before I get more chapters up. I had as close as you can get to a slip up a few days ago and it's made writting this story hard so it might take me a couple days to regroup and be OK before I write up anymore I'm sorry to those of you waiting on it. But i won't leave it unfinished I just need a few days. Thank you for you patience with me. mistopher. 


	22. love cuts deep22

CH22  
  
Abby unlocked the door and let them inside.  
  
"What do you want for dinner?" Carter asked.  
  
"I don't care as long as I don't have to cook it," she said. She took off her coat and sat down in front of the TV. She didn't really care what was on; she just wanted to avoid talking to Carter for as long as possible.  
  
"I'll order a pizza then," he told her.  
  
"That's fine," she answered not looking up.  
  
Carter looked at her 'She's not going to make this easy,' he thought.  
  
He ordered the pizza and joined her on the couch. He got lost in his thoughts again; he watched her stare at the TV and he felt her sadness overwhelm him. She was so beautiful, so fragile, and yet in a way she was the strongest person he knew. It was so unfair that she had so much to deal with. He wondered what had upset her. Three days ago she was fine, funny, sarcastic Abby and now she looked like a shadow of herself. He wanted to reach out and hold her, just run his fingers through her hair and promise her everything would be OK. But he knew it wasn't the right time. He would give her space but he wasn't going to ignore the problem. That's what too many people had done in the past and look where that had gotten her. He watched her in silence while they waited for the pizza.  
  
Abby knew Carter was watching her but she pretended she didn't notice because she didn't feel like talking. They sat that way in silence until the pizza arrived.  
  
He brought it over and sat it on the coffee table in front of them. They ate together in silence but it wasn't a comfortable silence. Carter felt like you could cut the tension with a knife. He felt like he was slowly being suffocated. He had to talk to her about it even if it overwhelmed him.  
  
"So what happened?" he asked, taking a deep breath.  
  
"With what?"  
  
"Why are you upset?"  
  
"I'm not upset," she lied. "I guess I'm just really tired."  
  
"Abby come on," he said gently. "It's me, you can tell me anything."  
  
"There's nothing to tell," she said  
  
'Why should you tell him? He doesn't need to know. You can deal with this. Yea, but on the other hand - he loves you, he wants to help. Just tell him, tell him how you don't even want to get up in the morning, he can help.'  
  
Abby come on please tell me," he reached out and took her hands in his. He didn't want her to be angry, he wanted her to talk to him.  
  
Abby couldn't look at him he made her feel so guilty. How did she always seem to get herself into this place over and over again? Before Abby realized what was happening Carter ran his thumb over her wrist and pushed her bracelet out of the way. She instantly pulled her arm away but it wasn't fast enough, Carter had seen them.  
  
"Abby."  
  
"I don't want to talk about it," she, said refusing to look at him.  
  
"We have to talk about it, tell me what caused it. Why didn't you tell me? Was it something I did?"  
  
The last question made her wince. She couldn't let him think it was his fault. It would never be his fault.  
  
"It wasn't you," she mumbled not looking at him; she was playing with the arm cover on the side of the couch. "You are the one good thing I have."  
  
'Come on Abby this is the perfect chance to tell him how you feel. He's not afraid, he's proved that to you. You need help and he can do it, this might be your last chance. But, what if he stops trying to help? What if he gives up? You need to talk to him, you need to get better.' Abby tried to talk herself into it.  
  
"Talk to me Abby, please," Carter thought she might talk to him if he just said the right thing. "I'm never going to leave, please just tell me how to help."  
  
"I don't know," Abby said with a deep breath. "I don't know how you can help because I don't know what causes it. I mean, until three days ago I've been fine. I hadn't even thought about it in forever, but then all of a sudden everything got me. Like I was just walking along and I fell into a hole. I don't want to be like this, I hate it, but I can't stop. I don't even know where to start. You have no clue how hard it is not to do it. It's like the drinking. Sometimes I think; if you knew how wrong it felt not to do it, you'd never ask me to stop.  
  
Carter didn't know what to say so he just listened.  
  
"It makes me hate myself. I do it because I hate myself and I hate myself because I do it. I feel like I deserve it but then afterwards I feel guilty because I don't want to let you down. I feel like I shouldn't even be telling you any of this. I mean, part of me is glad but the other part of me hates me even more now because I don't deserve you. I feel like I'm always fighting with myself."  
  
Abby broke down and started crying. "I don't want to fight anymore, I'm too tired. When I wake up tomorrow the first thing I'm going to do is regret telling you any of this. I'm going to be mad at myself. I'm scared John. What if I never get better?"  
  
Her tears were falling freely but she didn't care. She had to tell him everything before she lost her nerve or she might never let herself do it again.  
  
"I'm so messed up. Some days all I want is to get better but others I don't want to get better at all. Trying to get better is so much harder then staying like this. I'm always afraid. Afraid to do it, afraid not, too afraid to let you down. Sometimes I wake up and I'm afraid to even get out of bed. I have to keep doing it, you don't understand, it keeps me in control."  
  
Abby couldn't believe she was telling him all this. It was stuff she'd never talked about before.  
  
"Abby you can always come to me if you feel like doing it. Call me or page me; it doesn't matter where I am, just let me know so I can help you."  
  
"I can't do that. I can't just call you up and tell you I want to do it."  
  
"Yes you can Abby you can tell me anything or if you don't want to talk about why you're calling we can just talk about other stuff to get your mind off of it. It won't scare me. Thinking of you home alone and afraid is what scares me. You need people to help. You could call Susan and just talk."  
  
"I can't call Susan," she sniffed. "I could never tell her."  
  
"Why not Abby? She's a friend and she would want to help."  
  
"She'd just get scared and think I was a freak, which I am, so she'd be right."  
  
"No you aren't. You just need help and I want to help you but you have to let me."  
  
He reached over and pulled her closer to him. She leaned back against him as he put his arms around her and placed his chin on her head.  
  
"Abby I love you, I love you more then I've ever loved anyone in my entire life. I'm going to help you get better. I'm not going to give up on you or get sick of you ever. I promise you that."  
  
"I don't know if I want to get better," Abby whispered.  
  
Carter immediately tensed up. He hated hearing those words. They scared him. If she didn't want to get better he would never be able to help her.  
  
"Abby of course you want to get better. You know you do," Carter told her, more to convince himself then her.  
  
"No, I don't know that. Maybe I don't want to. I mean, why is it really so bad? It hurts so much more to stop I don't know if I can do it."  
  
She started crying harder. "I'm so tired of fighting. I've fought with my mother, with Richard, with the drinking. I've fought my entire life and I'm sick of it. I just don't think I can do it anymore."  
  
She was crying so hard that she couldn't breathe. Carter's heart was breaking he held on to her as tight as he could.  
  
'She will get better,' he told himself. 'She will'  
  
"Maybe you should talk to someone. I mean someone who deals with this stuff. I don't always say the right thing. You need someone who knows how to deal with this."  
  
"No I don't. I can't do that; I need someone who loves me. I need you. You help more than you'll ever know. Maybe someday I'll be able to do that but not yet. Can you just help me? Please Carter. I'm not ready for anything else," she pleaded with him. "Please," she said between hiccups.  
  
"Ok, its ok, shhhhhhh, just calm down, I'm right here. I promise I will always be right here. Its ok, I promise, its going to be ok."  
  
Carter had no idea if everything would be ok or not. He didn't know what was going to happen or how he was going to help her, but he knew he loved her and right then that was the only thing in the world that mattered.  
  
Abby rolled over and snuggled her face into his chest.  
  
"I love you," she said.  
  
Carter held on to her as the tears came to his eyes. He loved her so much it hurt. He hated to see her suffer.  
  
'She's going to get better,' he told himself. 'She is.'  
  
------------------------ OK I know this chapter took a long time to get up but it was really hard to write. It was emotionally hard I hope it shows. I had a slip up a few days ago I went from 83 days back to 0. Now I'm on 5 days. Don't worry it was a small slip up but enough to have to start over. Sorry this took so long but I'm sure you all understand how hard it is. 


	23. love cuts deep23

Ch23  
  
Abby woke up with the sun the next morning; she had a distinct feeling that something had changed, that something was dramatically different. Then suddenly it all hit her: everything she'd said to Carter the night before. It scared her; she didn't like showing that side of her to anyone.  
  
'Calm down,' she thought. 'It's ok. Why don't you want him to know? He wasn't scared, and he's willing to help. You don't need to be worried. It's ok; now that you've told him, it won't be so hard to ask him for help, maybe you can get better.' Abby couldn't believe she was thinking like this, usually she hated herself after breaking down but this time she somehow felt optimistic. She still felt scared but it didn't come with the horrible self-loathing that it usually did. This was different and she wasn't quite sure how to deal with it.  
  
She lay there and thought about how different things were with Carter then they were with Luka or even Richard. With Richard communication had never been a strong suit; after the abortion things had only gotten worse. With Luka it hadn't been much better. Carter was the one she'd always gone to, even when she was with Luka.  
  
She had never wanted Luka's help because she knew it was out of pity. He was never able to understand why she would drop everything to rush to her mother's side; he didn't understand why she continuously put herself through it. No, Luka had only cared out of pity and she refused to accept it. She remembered the night they broke up. She had told Luka she didn't want to be saved but that wasn't true; it was what she wanted the most. That was the biggest difference between Luka and Carter. Carter listened to her words but he could see through them, he knew when she was being truthful and when she wasn't. He never asked her to explain he never had to. He always knew what she was thinking; he was the rock in her world of chaos. He knew she needed to be saved.  
  
Abby took a deep breath. Yes, things had definitely changed and for the first time she was glad. She lay there for awhile until the alarm went off. It was set to radio and judging by the mellow tones Abby knew that Carter had changed the station, he was starting to get used to her music but he wouldn't listen to it by choice. She listened to the lyrics of the song that was playing.  
  
"It was no accident, me finding you, someone had a hand in it, long before we ever knew."  
  
Abby smiled to herself.  
  
"Hey," Carter said.  
  
"Morning," she replied and caught a few more words to the song.  
  
" I tip my hat to the keeper of the stars. He sure knew what he was doing when he joined these two hearts." *(see note)  
  
Carter reached over and turned the radio off. Abby just smiled, she felt that way about Carter: he was too perfect, she couldn't have found him on her own, there had to be a higher power involved.  
  
Abby rolled over and kissed him.  
  
"What was that for?" he asked.  
  
"You," she replied smiling down at him. She felt so different, like she had been carrying all these bricks around with her and suddenly they were gone. She felt free and hyper.  
  
"Come on get up!" she said sitting up and pulling a pillow onto her lap.  
  
"Since when are you a morning person?' Carter asked yawning and only half opening one eye to peak at her.  
  
"Since when aren't you?" she retorted. "Besides, you should take advantage of it."  
  
Carter closed his eyes again and rolled over, pulling the covers back over his head. He mumbled something but all Abby caught was "Sleeping.Covers."  
  
"John come on!" she said pulling the covers off his head.  
  
"A.bby," Carter complained drawing out her name as much as possible.  
  
Abby giggled; Carter's hair was sticking straight up and he looked so sleepy she couldn't handle it.  
  
"What?" he asked.  
  
"Nothing," she said between giggles. "I love your hair."  
  
"Oh yea? I like yours too," he said. And before Abby could figure out what he meant he hit her with a pillow causing her hair to fall messily over her face.  
  
"Hey no fair!" she exclaimed, grabbing the pillow off her lap to retaliate.  
  
Carter jumped out of bed and raced into the living room with Abby hot on his heels. She got him from behind before he could get down the hallway. She squealed and ran past him into the living room to hide behind the couch. She was laughing so hard that she could hardly breathe. Carter was going to run, and before she realized it he jumped right over the couch and got her.  
  
"Carter!" she yelled, chasing him into the kitchen. "That's cheating!"  
  
"No it's not!" he yelled back as he ran around the kitchen table to get away from her. They chased each other around the house for another tem minutes before they both called a truce and collapsed on the couch together, laughing and trying to catch their breath.  
  
"OK, now I'm tired, we should go to bed," Abby joked.  
  
"Ha ha" Carter said sarcastically. They ended up falling back to sleep right there, wrapped in each other's arms.  
  
*(The song is Keeper of the stars by Tracy Byrd.)  
  
**(Sorry that it has taken me so long to update but my house had a minor electrical fire and I've been at a friends house for awhile I'm home now and all is good.) 


	24. love cuts deep24

CH24  
  
"Will you hurry up!" Carter asked impatiently, shifting from foot to foot. "I'm roasting in this thing."  
  
"Hold on I'm coming!" she yelled back from the bedroom. They were getting ready to meet Susan at the park to go sledding. Abby thought Carter was crazy when he suggested it. She hadn't been sledding since she was twelve; but Carter had already convinced Susan and they both ganged up on her and talked her into going.  
  
"I can't believe your making me do this," Abby said sitting on the couch and pulling her boots on.  
  
"It will be fun."  
  
"No, it will be humiliating. We are going to be the only adults there."  
  
"No we won't. There will be lots of adults there with their kids," Carter smiled at her.  
  
Abby tried not to smile back but she couldn't help it. "Lets go," she said, rolling her eyes as she walked out of the apartment ahead of him.  
  
----------  
  
"Watch this," Carter said to Abby when he spotted Susan sitting on a bench with her sled waiting for them. She wasn't facing them so she couldn't see them coming.  
  
Carter picked up handful of snow, rounded it into a snowball, and threw it right at Susan.  
  
"Hey!" Susan yelled looking around. When she spotted them she laughed and scooped up her own snow.  
  
"Hey it wasn't me!" Abby squealed and ran to hide behind one of the bushes at the top of the hill.  
  
Susan and Carter started pelting on another with snowballs while Abby watched from her spot behind the bushes.  
  
Suddenly after a few moments they stopped and they both headed towards Abby.  
  
"Oh no you don't!" she yelled and raced to get away from them.  
  
"Come on Abby don't be a chicken!" Susan yelled.  
  
"Yea come out and join the fun," Carter said.  
  
"This isn't my idea of fun!" she yelled back still trying to get away. She tripped over something and fell face first in the snow.  
  
Susan and Carter started laughing so hard they couldn't chase after her anymore.  
  
"Oww! God!" Abby yelled rolling over and grabbing onto her ankle.  
  
"Oh my gosh Abby are you ok?" Carter asked when he saw that she was hurt.  
  
Carter and Susan locked eyes and took off towards Abby.  
  
When they were about four feet away Abby sat up and started throwing snowballs at them.  
  
"Look out!" Susan yelled as one of them hit Carter Square in the nose.  
  
Susan collapsed on the ground next to Abby in a fit of laughter.  
  
"Oh my god Abby you totally got us," Susan told her between breaths.  
  
"Hey," Carter said trying to brush the snow off. "Whose side are you on anyway?"  
  
"This is a snowball fight, it's every man for himself."  
  
"Alright, alright, lets call a truce," Carter said trying to walk towards Abby.  
  
"Promise me," Abby said holding up a fresh snowball.  
  
"I swear," he promised, then he sat on the ground with them to catch his breath.  
  
Susan looked around the park. "Hey Abby, maybe you were right. I think we are the only ones here without kids."  
  
"I told you," Abby laughed. "But I don't care this is actually fun."  
  
"Lets make snow angels., Susan said. "Right over there; under those trees where the snow is still fresh."  
  
"You're kidding right?" Abby asked. "Why?"  
  
"Because building a snow fort would be juvenile. Come on!" she said pulling Abby up.  
  
Carter followed closely behind the two women. 'God, she's so beautiful,' he thought. She looked so happy, her eyes were sparkling and the tip of her nose was red from the cold. Carter smiled to himself thinking how lucky he was to have her.  
  
The three of them spent the rest of the afternoon sledding and throwing snow at each other. It was the best time any of them remembered having in a long time.  
  
"No, I'm sorry, but the best part was the look on your face when Abby hit you with that snowball after you thought she got hurt," Susan said. They were back at Carter and Abby's discussing the day.  
  
"I know, he looked so funny," Abby giggled  
  
"I can't believe when you fell out of the sled you held on the whole way down the hill," Abby said to Carter.  
  
"I did not FALL out," Carter said indignantly turning to look at Susan. "SOMEBODY pushed me."  
  
"Sorry, but I just couldn't help it," Susan said grinning. "It was just too easy."  
  
"You know, I really didn't think it was going to be fun, but it actually was," Abby told them.  
  
"See, it pays to be immature sometimes," Carter smiled.  
  
"Yea, I think the last time I was that immature you woke up with a cast on your leg," Susan laughed.  
  
"What?" Abby asked.  
  
"Once when there was a really bad snowstorm Carter was sleeping in the ER and Mark and I put a cast on his leg, over his pants and everything. We woke him up by paging him overhead. He came running out into the hall and fell flat on his face. It was the funniest thing you ever saw!" Susan told her laughing.  
  
"Yea right after that there was a pile up on the Kennedy. I ended up having to let this huge biker guy cut it off for me."  
  
"Oh my god are you serious?" Abby asked. "You never told me that."  
  
"That's because I'd like to forget it."  
  
"You should have seen it; there were like a million people in the ER and Carter was hobbling from room to room."  
  
"That's almost as good as when Luka glued Dave's hand to his head," Abby laughed.  
  
"Yea or when Carter stuck that dildo in Kerry's locker," Susan giggled.  
  
"I thought convincing Jing-Mei her patient had swallowed nails was a good one," Carter said grinning.  
  
They spent the next several hours discussing all the funny things that had happened in the ER. 


	25. love cuts deep25

Ch 25  
  
"GSW to the chest last BP was 80/40 no lung sounds on the left IV is wide open." The paramedic said.  
  
"OK lets move on my count one, two, three." Susan said.  
  
"Tachycardia" Abby told her.  
  
"OK we have no breath sounds on the left he has a pnuemothorax." Susan inserted the release the pressure in the man's chest. "Ok I need six units O neg. chest X ray and CBC." Susan told the nurses "But he's stable for now. Let's alert the OR."  
  
Susan started to walk out of the room but Abby called her back "Susan neck veins are descended and I can't hear heart sounds."  
  
"OK" Susan said listening to the man's chest with her stethoscope. Cardiac tamponade. Where the hell is Corday?"  
  
"She should be here in five minutes." Abby replied.  
  
"He'll be dead in five minutes." Susan yelled, "ok I'm doing it. Thoracodomy tray, I need a ten blade." Susan opened the man's chest. "Rib spreader!"  
  
She cut a hole in the pericardium to release the pressure on the man's heart.  
  
"The heart is oozing!" She yelled "Looks like a piece of the bullet has pierced the right side." Susan yelled. She put her finger the hole to stop the bleeding.  
  
"BP is 90/70. OR is ready." One of the nurses yelled.  
  
"OK lets go!" she yelled sitting on the gurney with her finger still in the man's heart they rushed the man to the OR.  
  
Abby took a deep breath and walked out of the trauma room. 'What a great way to start the night.' Abby thought.  
  
"Abby, I've got about twenty people with food poisoning they all need rectals looks like this is your lucky night I need your help." Susan informed her.  
  
"Wonderful" Abby replied sarcastically following Susan down the hall. She was so tired she'd been working the graveyard all week and was ready for a break. The only good thing was the fact that it was the second week in April so the weather wasn't so cold anymore not that she'd been outside to enjoy it. She felt so irritable like she had a rash all over her body except it was under her skin where she couldn't even itch it. She was miserable.  
  
"Oh my god I'm so tired." She told Susan. "I feel like I could sleep for a month."  
  
"Still doing the graveyard huh?"  
  
"Yea it's the last day though." Abby sighed "I didn't think I was going to make it."  
  
"When are you off?" Susan asked her.  
  
"Seven."  
  
"Well only two hours to go that's not bad."  
  
"Sure." Abby said offhandedly walking into the room.  
  
"Hey." Carter said as Abby walked in the door. He was just getting ready to leave.  
  
"Hey." She said kissing him.  
  
"Rough shift?"  
  
"It's that obvious huh?"  
  
"Well you look exhausted are you ok?"  
  
"Yea I'm fine."  
  
When he looked at her funny she smiled a little and said, "Seriously Carter I'm just really really tired, when are you off?"  
  
"Eight" he answered.  
  
"Well if there's a god I'll still be asleep when you get home."  
  
"Ok" he relented "I love you."  
  
"Love you to." She said and kissed him goodbye.  
  
After Carter left she went straight to bed she fell asleep the second her head hit the pillow.  
  
"Multiple MVA's coming in there was a pile up on the Kennedy. Call any doctor and nurse who isn't in this hospital and get them back here now!" Kerry yelled from the admit desk.  
  
"Everyone?" Carter asked thinking of how tired Abby looked just three hours earlier.  
  
"Everyone! We are the closest hospital so we will get most of the critical cases. We don't have much time people lets make sure we are ready for them." With that Kerry walked off to get things in order.  
  
Abby woke up to the sound of her beeper going off. " Dammit" She swore reaching for it. She saw that it said 911, which made her even less happy. She reached for the phone and called county.  
  
"Hey it's Abby, What?, yea I'll be right there." She said sitting up. "Dammit" she swore to no one in particular and got up and threw her coat on. She was still in her clothes from the night before so she was out the door in record time.  
  
"GCS 2-2-5!" the paramedic yelled to Corday as they rushed to the trauma room.  
  
"OK on my count one, two, three. Ok we need to tube him now! he's not getting enough air."  
  
Elizabeth started to intubate him.  
  
"Ugh! I can't see anything there's too much blood. I need some suction. OK forget it I still can't see anything I need to crike him. Come on come on move!"  
  
Elizabeth took the scalpel and cut through the membrane in the man's neck.  
  
"Ok I'm in."  
  
"There's no breath sounds on the right." Carter said, "trachea has shifted to the left. We have a tension pnuemo we have to reinflate.  
  
"BP is dropping 60/40." Lydia said.  
  
"OK I'm on it." Carter said placing a needle in the patient's chest to release the air from the chest cavity.  
  
"Alright lets prep for a lavage." Elizabeth said  
  
Carter set up the lavage attaching the tube to the man's stomach.  
  
"BP is rising but the lavage is positive." Lydia said.  
  
"Ok call the OR tell them we are on our way clear a trauma room for an x lap. Let's go now move!" Elizabeth yelled pushing the patient out of the room.  
  
Carter followed her out and ran smack into Abby. His heart sank when he saw how tired she looked.  
  
"Hey" he said "I'm sorry I tried to talk Weaver out of calling you but everyone was called in.  
  
"It's ok," Abby said.  
  
"We got another one it's at the back door!" Malik yelled throwing a gown towards both of them.  
  
"Here we go." Abby sighed.  
  
"What have you got?" Carter asked  
  
"Twenty three year old male right femoral fracture, multiple abdominal lacerations two liters saline in." the paramedic told him.  
  
"OK lets go!" Carter yelled as they rushed alongside the gurney. OK on my count one, two, three and lift."  
  
"Oww!" The man screamed in agony."  
  
"Can you tell me your name?" Carter asked the man as he shone a light in his eyes.  
  
"Pupils are equal and reactive."  
  
"Seth, ow god it hurts please help me!"  
  
"OK calm down Seth we are gonna help you."  
  
"Push five of Demerol." Carter told Abby.  
  
"Does you neck hurt Seth?"  
  
"No it's my leg"  
  
"OK" He removed the collar and checked the man's neck. "He's clear." He said then he moved around to the man's stomach the nurses had already cut his clothes off.  
  
"There's minor lacerations on the abdomen prep for a lavage.  
  
After the anesthetic was administered he inserted the tube into the man's stomach and pushed in the saline. They all waited nervously for the saline to cycle out. When it did it was bright red.  
  
"Lavage is positive ok notify the OR it's probably his spleen."  
  
Carter took the man to the elevator.  
  
As Abby walked out of the trauma room a man approached her.  
  
"Excuse me are you a doctor?"  
  
"No I'm not."  
  
"Well can you help me?" He removed the cloth he was holding to his head to reveal a deep cut over his right eye.  
  
"I'm sorry but you'll have to wait in chairs." She told him.  
  
"I have been waiting in chairs!' He yelled, "I'll bleed to death before someone helps me!"  
  
"I'm sorry sir," She said walking away.  
  
"Hey that's not good enough. Hey come back here! You bitch!"  
  
'Wonderful' Abby thought walking away. 


	26. love cuts deep26

Ch26  
  
Abby stumbled into the apartment she was so tired she has almost fallen asleep on the EL. It was nearly four in the evening she'd gotten stuck in the ER much longer them she had wanted. The ER was like a vortex that was able to suck you back in and never let you out. She threw her jacket on the back of the chair and lay on the couch. She didn't make it to the bedroom.  
  
Carter got home around eight thirty and found Abby asleep on the couch. He shook the rain out of his jacket and hung it by the door to dry then he went over to Abby. His breath caught in his throat when he saw her she was so beautiful. He loved to watch her sleep she looked so peaceful when she slept. Almost like she didn't have to deal with all of her problems. He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. He sat there for a little bit just watching her sleep. After awhile he started to nod off himself so he stood up and woke Abby.  
  
"Hey beautiful are you gonna come to bed?"  
  
"Ugh what time is it?" she asked sitting up and rubbing her eyes.  
  
"Nine thirty"  
  
"Did you just get home?" She asked.  
  
"No I've been here about an hour. I just wanted to watch you sleep." He smiled.  
  
Abby just rolled her eyes and headed for the bedroom. Carter followed her.  
  
"Hey weaver said you can have tomorrow off. She said to get some rest."  
  
"Are you serious?"  
  
"Yea she saw how tired you were today and thought having you come in tomorrow would be a serious liability." Carter laughed.  
  
"Well nice to know looking like hell gets you a day off." Abby said wryly crawling under the covers next to Carter. She snuggled up next to him and laid her head on his chest.  
  
"So what do you work tomorrow?" she asked while yawning.  
  
"Eleven to nine." He replied.  
  
"OK" she said already falling asleep.  
  
Abby didn't wake up till almost one in the afternoon the next day. She was surprised she hadn't heard Carter get up and leave she really must have been out of it. She lay in bed and stretched her body felt stiff and sore from sleeping so long but at least she felt rested that was something she hadn't felt in awhile. It hadn't really helped her mood but she didn't have her hopes up that it would. She lay in bed for awhile-just thinking about everything. Things had moved so quickly over the last month or so between working and Carter and hanging out with Susan it had really been crazy. There were moments of depression but she'd been able to keep busy enough to not dwell on them. Today was different she knew it from the moment she opened her eyes she could always tell immediately the cycle was starting again.  
  
'No it's not!' she tried to tell herself but before she even began to convince herself she gave up. Who was she kidding? Yes it was.  
  
She looked at her nightstand and looked away. 'No' she thought 'it's not even an option.' She got out of bed and headed for the kitchen. There was coffee left from when Carter went to work so she poured herself a cup and She turned the TV on then she sat on the couch. She didn't really watch it she stared at it mindlessly it was an episode of Jerry Spinger. The topic was on people leading double lives. Abby rolled her eyes there was some 300- pound woman parading across the stage in a skimpy bikini outfit. Not exactly something Abby wanted to see but she couldn't find the remote so she just left it alone. She ran her fingers through her hair and took a deep breath. A million things floated through her head all at once she couldn't really wrap her mind around any one in particular. She shouldn't feel this way she should be happy why did this keep pulling her down? Why couldn't she just be normal?  
  
'Yea normal' she thought 'in my life I hardly know what normal is.' She got up and got another cup of coffee she finished off the pot and started another one she had a feeling she was going to need it today. She went to her room and dragged the comforter off the bed and into the living room with her. She sat back on the couch again. The TV was now playing an episode of people's court.  
  
'I really need to find the remote.' She thought to herself sipping on her coffee.  
  
She lay back in the corner of the couch and pulled her knees up to her. She felt like the whole world was on slow motion even though logically she knew that the world was moving on, that John would be home in around eight hours. That tomorrow would come and she would go back to work and everything would continue just as always.  
  
'Yea just as always.' Abby thought 'I'll never get better, just as always I'll try and try to make this cycle stop but it never will. Just as always my thoughts will win out and I'll do it again.'  
  
That last thought made Abby angry. It pissed her off she was a grown woman for gods sake she should have control over her own actions.  
  
She stared at the coffee cup already empty in her hands. She sighed and got up to refill it. The clock on the wall read two thirty. She took a deep breath she wasn't going to make it through this day on her own she wanted to feel something but she didn't everything was numb, blurry in a sense. She hated feeling this way. Sometimes she wished she would never have a day off or at least not a day off when Carter had to work. It gave her to much time to think she preferred it when things were moving at a faster pace she felt stressed but at least that was something you could feel. Right now she didn't even feel that. She felt blank that was a good way to explain it or empty that would work to.  
  
'Empty.' She thought and felt guilty she shouldn't feel empty she should feel loved, she did feel loved. Carter loved her she knew that and she loved him back with everything that she was but right now it felt outside of her somehow. Like it existed but in a different time in a different life. Right now everything she was was here and now just a pathetic person who felt like she had to cut herself to feel something. 'Stop it Abby! Stop it right now you aren't doing this again get up! Go outside take a walk get it off your mind.'  
  
She finished off her third cup of coffee and went to her bedroom to change into sweats amazingly it wasn't raining outside for April it was even kinda warm out maybe this was what she needed just to be outside in the fresh air and she would feel better. She found a light jacket, grabbed her keys and left the house. 


	27. love cuts deep27

CH27 Abby strolled down the street slowly she didn't exactly live in a good neighborhood to be taking a walk alone in but at the moment she didn't care. She just needed to focus on something new for awhile. She noticed all the tiny insignificant things that people usually don't notice. Like the way the trees seemed to sparkle when the wind blew. Or the small insects that crawled across the sidewalk. All the things that you were usually too busy to notice. She walked several blocks but it did nothing to help her mood it only made her sadder. Everything in nature was moving along even the ants had a purpose. She felt as if everyone else knew where they should be except her. She sighed and tried not to think about it. She walked a few more blocks then decided to turn back around.  
  
'This isn't helping anyway.' She thought. 'I still want to do it fresh air isn't going to change that.'  
  
She walked back to the apartment and threw her keys on the kitchen table. She sat on the couch and put her head in her hands. She couldn't handle this. She checked the time three fifteen.  
  
'Forget It.' she decided 'this is to hard I know I'm gonna give in eventually anyway why suffer for hours before I do I should just do it.'  
  
She got up and went to her room. She took a razor out of her nightstand drawer and stared at it but she couldn't do it. She stared at the phone she needed help. She should call Carter. She picked up the phone but she just stared at it.  
  
'I can't call him he's in the middle of a shift, he's not off for almost six hours he cant do anything I'll just upset him and make him worry. She put the phone back down on the nightstand and leaned back against the headboard. She stared at the ceiling. She would count the tiles on the ceiling but she'd done that so many times she already had the number memorized. She closed her eyes and tried to clear her head.  
  
An hour and a half later she was loosing the battle with herself she knew she was going to cut herself if she didn't call Carter. Maybe he could somehow get someone to cover the end of his shift. Before she could think twice about it she picked up the phone and dialed Carter's pager number. Then she waited for him to call back.  
  
As she waited she got more and more nervous, her hands were shaking and she felt like she was suffocating.  
  
'I shouldn't have called him. What was I thinking I can't do this! I just can't' she thought to herself. But then when her eyes rested on the razor she knew she had to.  
  
Just then the phone rang and she jumped. It rang twice more before she gathered the courage to answer it.  
  
"Hello" she said in a shaky voice.  
  
"Abby what's wrong? Are you ok?"  
  
Abby could hear the worry in Carter's voice and she couldn't handle it anymore she started crying.  
  
"Abby what happened?" Carter asked alarmed. This wasn't like Abby and it scared him.  
  
Just then Susan walked into the lounge to get a cup of coffee.  
  
"Abby, please tell me what happened." Carter said, "it's ok just tell me what happened?"  
  
Susan looked over at Carter with a worried look but he shook his head and turned away.  
  
"N..Nothing happened" Abby said and Carter let out a sigh of relief that he didn't realize he had been holding. "But I want it to" Abby finished. "I can't do this!" Abby suddenly cried into the phone. "I can't fight this alone. I'm sorry Carter but do you think you could come home early? I know that it's the middle of your shift but please?" She was talking through her tears and her voice kept cracking.  
  
"I'll be home right away I promise." He told her making eye contact with Susan. "Please Abby just hold on ok. I love you. I'm coming as fast as I can."  
  
"Ok" Abby, said in a very quiet voice. And she hung up.  
  
As soon as the line went dead he jumped to his feet.  
  
"Susan can you cover the rest of my shift? I know you're off in an hour but it's really important."  
  
"Yea sure but is Abby ok? What's wrong?"  
  
"No she's not ok but I can't tell you why. You have to ask her its personal." He said pleading with her to understand. "I have to go," he said grabbing his jacket from his locker and running out of the lounge.  
  
As soon as Abby hung up the phone she felt better and worse. Better because Carter was coming home, worse because she felt bad for involving him. She took the razor and put it back in the drawer. She didn't want to see it anymore. She was to tempted she just needed to hold on till Carter got there. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. Then she laid her head on her knees and cried. 


	28. love cuts deep28

CH28 Carter was glad he had decided to take the jeep to work. On the way home he thought about Abby.  
  
'This is a good sign' he told himself 'at least she called me, she wouldn't have called me if she wasn't trying. This shows that she wants to get better. This is good.' He talked to himself to keep calm. He was glad she called him he was still scared, still worried.  
  
A few minutes later he was parked in front of the apartment. He took a deep breath and went inside.  
  
"Abby?' he called softly as he walked in and dropped his keys beside the door. There was no answer. "Baby where are you?"  
  
"In.in here" Abby said between her tears.  
  
Carter walked in the bedroom and saw Abby sitting on the bed her eyes were red and her face was covered in tears. His heart went out to her she looked like a scared little girl.  
  
Abby looked up as Carter came in the bedroom she didn't even try to wipe away her tears it was no use and she knew it.  
  
Carter walked to the bed and wrapped his arms around her. She hugged him back as hard as she could. She rested her head on his chest, buried her face in his shirt and cried.  
  
Carter ran his hands through her hair as he whispered to her.  
  
"It's ok babe, I'm here its gonna be ok"  
  
Tears came to his eyes as he held her; he rested his chin on her head and held her close to him. He just let her cry as he rubbed her back. They sat like that for awhile until her tears slowed. Abby was the first to speak.  
  
"I'm so glad you came home," she said.  
  
"It's ok Susan covered for me but um you might have to endure a few questions from her she heard my end of our conversation."  
  
"Great." Abby said. But strangely it didn't really bug her.  
  
"I'm sorry"  
  
"It's ok" she replied.  
  
"So do you want to talk about it? What happened?"  
  
"I don't know I just...It's the same as always its this feeling that I get I feel like I'm completely alone, I feel like I'm the last person on earth and that the only thing that's real, that matters is in that moment."  
  
"Abby" he said taking her chin in his hand and forcing her to look at him. "You are not alone, you will never be alone again."  
  
Abby tried to look away but he wouldn't let her.  
  
"Abby look at me, I mean it."  
  
"Carter" Abby said, "I'm going to do it again."  
  
"What?" he asked a look of confusion crossing his face.  
  
"Not now." She said quickly but at some point it will happen again and I won't be strong enough to call you. Can you really say you're always gonna be here if you know that? If you know I'm going to slip up? Do you really want to be?" she asked him as the tears welled up in her eyes again. She was scared of what he might say but she needed to know.  
  
"Abby" he said "I will always be here for you no matter what. I promise you that. I love you and everything that comes with you. Together we can get through it all. Ok?"  
  
"Ok." She whispered it was so quiet he could hardly hear it but she couldn't speak. She was already crying again.  
  
'He's perfect' she thought, 'nothing scares him away he knows all the worst things about me and he still loves me.' She hugged him again. She needed to feel him, to prove to herself that he was real, that none of this was a dream.  
  
"I wish I could take this all away," he said. "I wish it were just a physical problem that I could heal. But I know it's not and I know that this is a horrible battle that it's just as hard as not drinking, or my drug addiction, but I promise that I'm going to help you. And I know that you'll slip up but I need you to promise me one thing."  
  
"W...what?" Abby asked nervously.  
  
"I want you to tell me when you do it."  
  
"Carter I ....."  
  
"No listen to me, if you can't tell me before you do it then please tell after so we can talk about it, I can't handle not knowing. Abby it makes me worry too much please just promise me that. I love you and want to be able to talk about it. The same way I came to you when I slipped up and took the Vicadin and the way we talk about the drinking. I need you to be open about it and stop hiding it."  
  
Abby was quiet for a moment as his words sank in and she knew he was right. She did have to stop hiding. They did have to talk about it so she promised him.  
  
"I will" she said, "I promise I will."  
  
Carter sighed a breath of relief. For the first time since the day he found her in the bathroom he knew she was going to be ok. She could talk about it now and he could help her.  
  
"Are you going to tell Susan?" She asked him suddenly.  
  
"No, I would never tell her it's personal."  
  
"I might tell her." She said.  
  
"Really?" he asked shocked.  
  
"Maybe, I don't know but I don't feel so ashamed anymore. I mean I'm not scared that you know like I was before and I trust her. I might never tell her but I could I don't know. I guess it all depends."  
  
Carter wrapped his arms around her tighter and smiled to himself he knew she was going to tell her. And better yet he knew Abby was going to be ok. 


	29. love cuts deepthe end

CH29 Abby woke up the next morning to the sun shinning through the blinds. Carter still had his arm around her stomach holding her close. She smiled to herself as she felt his breath on her neck. He was still sound asleep but she didn't mind she was content to lie there in his arms. She thought about how much she had changed in the last several months. She didn't even feel like the same person. Just a few months ago she was this scared person who felt like she had to hide everything. She had felt so alone with her thoughts, so afraid to confide in anyone, even Carter.  
  
She ran her fingers over his arm in a circular pattern and thought about how different things were between them now. It was still going to be hard to talk about but she knew now that she could do it. She knew she would still have those horrible thoughts that made her think she wasn't good enough and that sometimes they would win but she also knew she could talk to Carter when that happened and that he wouldn't be scared or angry. She was able to fail and not have to be afraid of what he would think or how he would react. She didn't have to feel guilty anymore because Carter could understand it and not judge her by it. She had never felt that before with anyone. She had never been able to trust another person like that before. Never let herself open up and feel safe with them. With John it was all- different of course it had been just as hard in the beginning but now it was natural, well not completely natural but it was getting there.  
  
She couldn't figure out when exactly things had changed. She had spent so many years convincing herself that no one could ever love her that no one would ever stick around but Carter had proved all those thoughts wrong. She felt Carter's arms tighten around her and she smiled.  
  
"Hey" he whispered into her neck and it sent shivers down her spine.  
  
"Morning" she whispered back.  
  
"What are you thinking about?" he asked still breathing into her neck.  
  
She wondered if he knew what that did to her. But she knew that he did. it was one of the little ways he used to torture her with. Just like when he found her alone at the hospital and would steal a kiss from her turning her on and then walking away.  
  
She had to think a few minutes in order to answer him. He always affected her ability to concentrate but especially when he was breathing into her neck.  
  
"I was thinking about you actually," she said rolling over to face him.  
  
"Yea?"  
  
"Yea" she said smiling back at him.  
  
"And what were you thinking?"  
  
"Honestly?" she asked getting serious.  
  
"Yea"  
  
"I was thinking about how much things have changed with us in the last few months. I mean I was so afraid of what you would do when you saw what I was really like. I really thought you would run away."  
  
"Abby, I would never run away." He said kissing her forehead.  
  
"I know that now," she said rubbing her hands up and down his back massaging his warm flesh under her fingers. "But I didn't think so then. I couldn't let myself believe that you would stay no one ever had so I figured why would you? I know that wasn't fair but it's who I am. I'm a self-destructive person, the drinking, the cutting, the pushing people away, all of it it's a part of who I am. Who would ever want to deal with all of my baggage"  
  
"Abby," he said pulling away from her to look at her "I would. You know that right? You know that I would never leave you?" he asked her looking deep into her eyes. "It doesn't matter to me that all of it is a part of you because it's YOU it's everything that you have been through good and bad that has made you who you are. I mean of course I wish I could take away everything bad that has ever hurt you but that would be taking away a part of you and I would never want to do that. I never want you to be anything you're not, and I never want you to feel like you have to be. I love you Abby Lockhart and everything that comes along with you."  
  
"I know," she said seriously looking up at him. "I do. And you know that it's the same way with you right? You know that you are perfect John I'd never change a single thing about you. Your amazing." Then she reached up and kissed him. "I love you." She said and he smiled against her lips.  
  
"I love you too." He said just before he deepened the kiss and ran his hands up the soft skin of her back causing her entire body to shiver. She loved the way she felt lying there in Carter's arms she could spend the rest of her life there falling asleep beside him every night, waking up next to him every morning. It was everything she had always wanted. Like her own personal fairytale come true. She laughed to herself as she thought about it she was certainly not the type to believe in fairytales.  
  
"What's so funny?" Carter asked seeing her smile.  
  
"Nothing." She said wrapping her arms around his neck.  
  
"Come on," he said "what?"  
  
"I was just thinking about how you turned out to be my knight in shining armor." She said while planting soft sensual kisses on his lips and across his face.  
  
"Yea? So that makes you my beautiful princess." He said kissing her face and down to the soft skin of her neck.  
  
"Well then who's the evil dragon?" She asked him slowly melting under his touch.  
  
"I think we've had enough evil dragons" He told her as he pulled her T- shirt over her head. "Now we get to live happily ever after."  
  
Abby smiled to herself that was exactly what she planned on doing.  
  
(ok this has taken a long time to get written but i hope you all enjoyed the story and i'd really like to hear what you think of it one last time. this chapter alone or the whole story together. this story is really personal to me so please tell me what you think. i also want to tell all the people who have replied to my story saying that they have dealt with the same thing and even those who didn't reply but are still dealing with this i want all of you to know that i'm not the brave one i'm just the one that talked about it all of us dealt with it your all brave in your own way i hope my story helps you or if you cant find the words to talk about it you can let someone you want to understand read this and maybe it will help. and i also want to thank everyone who replied in any way. and lasty i want to thank charli and Lily for helping me beta this fic. and i wanna thank jules and aimee......well for nothing but you know i love you lol. and last but not least Alison, Lindsay and Kendra for understanding me even when it's hard to i love you guys MISTY) 


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